The Classiest Man of All

    I realized there is a reason I don't have a girlfriend, I'm just not classy enough. You see, a classy man buys a flower shop out of flowers and sends them to his girlfriend? Now who is the man I want to be? Well let me describe him to you, he is short, shorter than his girlfriend, he is very attractive and is younger than his girlfriend, and he has a singing voice that sounds like cream and sugar. Yes, my idol is Justin Bieber.
   Justin "the Biebster" Bieber pulled an undisclosed amount of cash (I assume at least several thousand dollars) and bought every single flower in a flower shop for his girlfriend- Selena Gomez. What is classier than this kind act of love?
   Justin could have paid for a poor child's college tuition, but NO! HIS GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A HOUSE FULL OF FLOWERS!!! Who cares who is going hungry in Africa? Selena Gomez deserves that... so props to the Bieb.
   I found something classier, Justin is so sweet that he even donates to charity? Donating money to charity, thats sort of classy, but donating a small lock of your hair (roughly fifty pieces) to charity, that is incredible. I'm not kidding, each lock of hair is auctioned off for seven thousand dollars. What world do we live in? There are riots in Egypt, but I honestly think that Selena deserves the best man in the world and
 To my male readership, feast your eyes upon the sexiest girl that Disney Channel has ever produced
(disclaimer- I do not view Ms. Gomez as a piece of meat, but as an incredibly talented singer, who is very beautiful)
(I-claimer- Selena Gomez)

She is Eighteen, I'm not a pedophile

An open letter to Justin Beiber

Justin.

Respect to you, you're canadian, so am I. Also, you have many female admirers, I want female admirers. You have the girl I always dreamed of,  she deserves the best of the best. You are good to her and she deserves a boy who is rich, and talented. If I hear you lay one finger on her in a way that she finds disrespectful (and I have credible sources TMZ, ET, The E! Channel). I will march my self to your next concert and hit you, hard. Then I will take her from you. She is destined to be mine.

With Jealousy

-Zach Wilson

The End of an Era

This post is straight up dedicated to Jill Robinson.

    This post will probably reduce my readership by about 75 percent, because girls are the only ones kind enough to read my blog. So here's to you, Ms. Robinson.

     I've decided to stop reading the news, it's depressing and I'm getting sick of being sad all of the time. But Yesterday  I read news that didn't just make me sad, it made me sick. Now to my male readership, this is bad news for you, bad, horrible, terrible, news that shouldn't be read. But you have to read on, for there is no other way for me to break this to you. The Cleveland Indians have hired a woman pitcher. Guys, this hurts me worse than it hurts you, I had to break it to you and there was just no other way to do it.
     A woman in the MLB? really? Women take everything manly and just rip the balls off of it, and it hurts, it started with voting, then driving, then you all thought it would be a good idea to go to college and get full time jobs. What's next? A woman pimp? Did we do something to you ladies that made you think you had to take our livelihood away? Do we threaten you? Are you jealous of our rugged muscles? Facial hair? Our tough can-do attitude? Do yo wish you could pee standing up? Why do you want to be men so badly? Can't you just be happy having babies and raising them?
     To help my suffering self esteem, I want to reflect upon a time women couldn't vote or have any job other than babysitter, AND THEY BABYSAT FOR FREE. I want to remember a time where men worked and came home with dinner ready and the kids asleep, and then his woman would massage his shoulders. Women had no political sway and feminism was just a thing of mockery. Women didn't drive and Susan B. Anthony was the butt of any good joke. These feminists/lesbians (they're really the same thing) have screwed up society as a whole.
    
    Not all women are bad, my best friend is a female, and is pretty dope but even still, when a woman is at college and she is majoring in anything besides education, or something artsy, she probably isn't a real woman. With the exception of Mrs. Huxtable, female lawyers and politicians? LESBIAN. (Have you ever seen Hillary Clinton?) 

 *this post is entirely for fun, please take no offense to it. I respect all girls and there are a few of them who I love dearly, but it's probably just because I know that they aren't going to end up ruining a professional sport.












   

Mormons, Eighth Graders of Religion

     Utah, known for skiing, mountains, and Mormons. The Mormons are the issue right now though, because skiing and mountains can't really be a problem, but the blatant ignorance of a Utah Mormon is profound. I'll start with the following statement that I heard recently, and it was spoken with such conviction that it would be hard to deny: "Steve Martin is a Mormon." I've heard this statement before but the name Steve Martin was replaced with Cristina Aguilera, Brittany Spears, Harry Potter, Lady Gaga, etc. people are telling me that certain famous people are Mormon all of the time. Is it just me?        
     This feels like a Napoleon Complex type of thing, where since we are a small awkward religion, we have to show off and tell everybody lies so that everybody thinks we are cool. Mormons are like that loser in middle school that just made stuff up so that he would get friends. Remember? He was the one who had a pet iguana and he told you how his parents would let him swear all the time at home. Then you went to his birthday party and he told you his iguana just died and he claimed he never told you he was allowed to swear. That's who we are, when someone with some sense calls us out "Steve Jobs is not a Mormon." Then we say "Oh, yeah your right, I was thinking someone else" just so we don't get caught in our lies. Mormons, the eighth graders of the religious world.

To All Seniors - Bite me.

     A common tradition since the dawn of college has been seniors disrespecting freshman for their blatant immaturity and easy classes. And a lot of freshmen have been pointing their middle fingers to these upperclassmen (these people need to buck up). To boost morale I decided to address this issue.

    1. We are immature, and we can be. This is an incredible plus for us, if we are going to be referred to as "those immature freshman." We might as well live up to our potential, and there are many ways we can do this.
 I think I will start putting graffiti all over in the bathroom stall (starting with offensive pictures, swastikas. etc and then moving on to vulgarities) , followed by skipping class as often as possible and getting the notes from my friends. There is also a building on campus called the Biology and Natural Resources (for short it is known as the B-N-R) I'm going to call that the "boner."
Also, I'm going to stay up until 4 or 5 A.M., being loud and obnoxious, playing my music loud for all to hear and keeping everybody awake. Maybe I'll pick up drinking too, it would make me really cool and likable.


    2. Yeah we have easy classes! and we are proud of it. We don't have to worry about a family until later, our hardest jobs right now include flipping burgers, or doing nothing. This is the time of our lives. So to all of the seniors who have the time to insult us, maybe you should get some more meaningful jobs, girlfriends, and find something a little more important to pick on.


    3. It is acceptable for us all to gain fifteen pounds our freshman year. My personal goal, gain twenty, if not thirty pounds. I figure the fatter the man, the greater he is. If you are a cute girl and you know a chubby guy that doesn't have a  girlfriend, just date him, for he is desperate and lonely, today he made a match.com profile for a two week trial and was matched up with over one hundred girls (one was actually cute). I digress.


There are some people I would like to address though, the eight men that stand in the front row behind the basket at the Utah State University, this includes the famous "Wild Bill" and his cronies.


   You guys act like high school seniors, the world does not revolve around you. Wild Bill, man, you are almost thirty years old, I remember when my parents were thirty, and believe me, they did not ever think about dressing up as Barney and lead the student section in a chorus of "I'm a little teapot." Sorry, even though the media makes you out to be the hero of USU, my friend, your time is up, hopefully.

Gordon Leibovitz

I wrote this poem in stake conference and I thought I might share it with people who share the same affinity for poetry that I have. I apologize for it's slightly racist undertone, I hope all that read this that they realize it is solely for laughs. The penny pincher thing I understand is just a stereotype about Jews, also I trust Jews and respect the hard work ethic stereotype they have. Jewish humor is also rather funny. I read it again for while sitting on a bus a while ago... Then I decided it was post worthy.

Long ago in a small town of few
Lived a curly headed Jew
He pinched his pennies.
He saved so well
He condemned everybody to hell.

He was a mean, nasty Jew
In that small town of few
And he never would share his money
He always yelled, and screamed and kicked
And didn't think anything was funny

He yelled at the boy scouts across the street
He yelled at the girl scouts selling cookies to eat
And he never ever smiled.

One day a girl, she came to his door.
And he yelled at her. "get off my floor!"
She was sad and she cried,
 she didn't seem so bad
Her crying made the Jew feel very sad.

The Jew thought of the one thing he could do.
The one thing that made him happy was money
So he reached in his pocket and pulled out a penny and said
"it's the least I could give to you honey"

The girl looked at him and smiled so bright
Shed never had so much In possession
And in that moment that girl realized
That money was her obsession.

She asked the Jew, what's your name?
And he spoke with dignity
My name is "Gordon Leibovitz the third"
It was the name my father gave me

The girl exclaimed loudly, "that's my name too!"
Except she was the fourth.
Gordon Leibovitz had a daughter,
Because they were separated at birth.

Gordon was no longer happy,
He had a daughter
She was going to cost him some dough
So he yelled at the girl and told her to leave
And he kicked her out into the snow.

The Girl Gordon Leibovitz, she stood up proudly still,
She said "I've searched for twelve long years and finally found my father."
So she snuck inside and stole his wallet, and left without a bother

So listen to the lesson this story has taught you.
That family means everything
And never trust a Jew.