I solve problems at USU. (and you can too!)

Disclaimer: I am not proud of my major, as one of the easiest majors in college I hate admitting that I am a business major. But I don't write this blog to talk about me! I want to complain about other people. Also, I know that stereotypes don't encompass everybody, I just use stereotypes to make jokes.

The country we live in has a lot of problems, debt, illegal immigration, unemployment rates, the healthcare system, we need some real reform, and I wish I could help, but I am useless.

There are things that I have a problem with and I also have a solution. I think we should abolish all of the majors that don't contribute anything to society. Thats right theatre majors, art majors, music majors, and  FCHD majors. It's time to get rid of these useless programs once and for all. I am going to go through this list, and tell you what we should do with each major.

Lets start with FCHD Majors

Okay, ladies, we all know you came to college to find a man, and we know that when you get married you are going to drop school like a dirty diaper and get away from any possibility of real work (except for motherhood, which I recognize is a ton of work).  I think that Utah State should get sponsored by Match.com and we get ourselves a Match.com Major. The sponsorship will decrease athletic fees by 50, and tuition by 100 dollars per person. I think that is a grand idea! You get to meet your husband at the social events that are thrown every week, and once my fees go down.

Theatre majors.

We can basically say that if you spend any amount of time in the Fine arts building you are wasting your money here at school. I think we have enough waiters in the United states. I quite like some of the productions that are put on here at USU, so we don't need to abolish this one, but we need to weed out the poor ones (lets face it, only rich theatre kids who's parents are loaded end up going anywhere). Lets decrease the fees of everyone who goes to school by five hundred dollars, and tack all of that onto the tuition of theatre majors. It should cost them 12 thousand dollars a semester to attend this school. We get fees because of these pretentious majors anyway (BLUE GOES GREEN! Do you think a business or political science major voted on that?! NO! a Theatre Major going "save the environment, save it!") My fees are even lower, I still get awesome productions, and these students can attend college. a win/win situation.

Art Majors

Three words, freakin. useless. major.  I couldn't think of one way to use this major to benefit us real students here at Utah State. So, we drop this major entirely out of our catalogue. Why do you want to be an art major!? you spend 4K a semester for four years just to end up on welfare for the rest of your life? Here is an idea, save your money, go work at McDonald's, in five years you could be a manager. You could also become an education major! Being a teacher here in Utah starts at about 30K a year, which is about 40K more than what a typical artist makes in a year. Then we would have more money in our welfare system.

Finally, Music Majors

I have to admit that I love a good piano song, so I think that this major valuable, but I never pay for my music, so I am no benefit to them, when they are a benefit to me. I apologize, I am jerk. Lets get rid of this major just because musicians that ever amount to anything are talented enough to do it without college. Then we can take everything out of the fine arts building and put in some new computer labs, and maybe open up a few more English 2010 classes. Because there are NOT enough!

Thank you.

Time Screws Up, AGAIN!

Time magazine has nominated, once again, the wrong person as person of the year. I know that I complained about the person of the year last year, but this year, instead of just complaining, I offer up a new person of the year as well.

Part 1 (I complain about the current person of the year)
Do you know who the person of the year is? It's the protester. Yeah, the people who have made all of the news in the last four months boring. They have won person of the year. The people who have been camping for six months, not going to work.
(This is a little off-subject, but it seems that if you are protesting you can get away with camping in really cool places for free. I think I'll protest the Grand Canyon this summer, just for a weekend. Then I'll protest Moab, The Grand Tetons, and Yellowstone. WHO'S WITH ME!?)
Lets talk about "the protester's" accomplishments:

....

Okay lets talk about "the protester's" lifestyle.
They like camping, music and smoking weed, I've read about protesters who are yoga instructors, art majors, theatre majors and music majors. All of the successful types... and each of them is the person of the year!

See, I'm serious, you'll be seeing this cover the next time you are at the supermarket

Part 2 (I tell you who should have been the person of the year)

Me.

Now this part may sound a little bit conceded, but heck! you'll agree with me after reading why I should be person of the year. In fact, there are so many reasons I can't list them all, but here are ten good reasons.

1. I do my own laundry (even buy my own detergent)
2. I can make fried chicken (like those black ladies in The Help)
3. I have lots of friends (Jaron, Mackenzie, Ian, Jill, Anna, Kenzie, Chandler, Rex, Harry Potter, Holden and LOTS more, so many, in fact that I can't even think of any more!)
4. In high school, I kind of played football. (I didn't make the team that went 2 and 8)
5. I may be a little racist, but I still enjoy a good story where minorities triumph (Remember the Titans, The Help)
6. I can eat a whole box of donuts in 6 minutes
7. I have a friend named Katie who is getting married
8. I can bench press 90 pounds
9. I have kissed 18 girls on the LIPS (2 of them didn't slap me)
10. I am a fat, white, male, American. (and that's something special)

So if you agree, write Time magazine at:

Person of the Year
Time Inc.
1271 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020.

The aforementioned is the real address, but since anyone who reads my blog doesn't comment to tell me how they felt about it, even though they can comment anonymously... I don't expect Time will be hearing JACK from any of my "friends."

Thank you.

Legitimate Whine

It has been too long since my last good, solid, respectable whine, and it is about time I just poured out all of my complaints onto this blog. It’s called the whine post for Pete’s sake! That’s why my (2) readers read my blog.

I’m starting to think that good roommates are rare, I had four fantastic ones last year. And one annoying, anyone who takes the time or cares enough to read my blogs knows me well enough to know that my last roommates was one of the worst people I have ever met.  But they may not know about the new one. I hate this guy so much I am blogging about it. Because I only blog about the things I hate so much.  

“Why does Zach hate this guy so much?” You are asking, because you care about me and want to know what my problem is. Lets start with how he thinks that the living room isn’t a place to hang out. He thinks that inviting a girl into OUR room and sitting on his bed with her is appropriate, he does it almost every night, a different girl, always just a friend, and he sits and has these personal, dramatic conversations with her.  Now it is awkward for me to go into my own room. Last night I went into my room and he was sitting on the bed singing to the girl in there. I just walked in, took off my shirt, and got into my bed, and he still stayed in there until 2:30 in the morning. WHEN THE LIVING ROOM WAS FREAKIN EMPTY!  Now that you hate him too, here are the other reasons he is gross.

Listening to him is like listening to a soap opera, he has to be the most dramatic person I know.

He wears Make up, eyeliner, base, eye shadow, mascara. He is a weirdo!

He wears high heels. (he puts them in his boots so that people don’t know, be he is still wearing high heels.

I hate him so much,

Thanks for listening to my legitimate whine.

Zach Wilson

Society, You're a Crazy Breed

    Occupy Wall Street is a popular topic right now. So I am going to write some honest feelings. These people demonstrating are kind of right. It does seem that people with an income of over 985,000 dollars per year can afford to pay a higher tax percentage. It isn't fair that they would have to, because they earned their money, I understand that. But we are not in a very good economic state, we need more income, and a lot of "the 99 percent" can't really afford to pay a higher tax. Life isn't fair, and it would be polite for the people making a huge sum of money to help out our country a little bit.
     That being said, There is a bigger problem that seems to be facing us, laziness. These people that are demanding the rich to be taxed higher are doing it by sleeping and living on Wall Street, that is wrong, and embarrassing to me as part of this society. These people aren't working, they aren't even trying to find jobs, they are literally just lounging in the streets. in their mind this is a demonstration that is important, they picket for a couple of hours a day, or sit next to their signs if they are too tired to stand up from all of the nothing they do all day.

People are sleeping under that plastic, at least they left their signs up in protest

It's sad that we live in a society that protests something by laying down next to a sign they painted. It's upsetting that people are saying give more money to the government and to us, and they are doing it by laying down.
     The last huge protest I can think of (not including gay rights, because those happen all of the time) the only one that has made a difference was Martin Luther King Jr's "Walk to Freedom." Black people refused to ride the busses because the bus systems were racist and cruel to them. People would wake up much earlier than usual to walk sometimes fifteen miles to work and back. Look what the people in our society do today to protest something, take naps in public places, this is so embarrassing. I almost want to change nationalities. These bums that are getting paid by our very generous government to live without jobs and have food stamps are using that money to sleep on government property. That's a good way to say thanks.
     Here is how I am going to try to contribute to society, become the 1 percent. I'll go to school, I'l work hard, and I will get a job that goes somewhere in life. One interview I read was a yoga instructor that was demonstrating at OWS. What?! This person thinks that they can have their dream job as a yoga instructor and gets mad at people that have real jobs. There are hundreds of self proclaimed musicians joining in this protest. I am not going to say that this is okay, people need to see the real world. You can't expect to be a rich musician or a painter or a yoga instructor, and you can't slam people that have real jobs and say that it isn't fair. If these people had become doctors and graduated from Johns Hopkins, and were poor, that would be another story. When people who have done nothing with their lives are upset about people making so much more money, I don't care. The 1 percent didn't just fall into richness, they earned it. Hard work will always prevail. Sitting around whining about how things need to change will never get anyone anywhere.

Truth Will Prevail (you can make it)

    Many people think that they can lie, they think that this is okay because they don't want to hurt the feelings of another person. So they tell a big fat fib, this is for those of you in a relationship, because as we all know, the one place to go for lies is your significant other. Now, often my blog has been anti-woman,  but this one is for both men and women, because everybody lies. Your loved one doesn't lie though, right? Well hopefully not, but here are some ways to find out if they are, they might be lying about saying they love you, I have a few tricks for you in that category as well.

How to find out if your loved one is a liar

1. Hide a camera in their bedroom. 

      Their time is the time that they are going to break your trust, when they are alone they are going to do things to betray you. Check what time they were doing things, such as texting. When you are spending hours of your time analyzing what they are doing. You need to watch for things such as texting, see if they are actually laughing at your texts that are funny. because if they don't laugh out loud, and they text back "LOL" That is a LIE.

2. Make a fake Facebook.

      This one takes time, but ultimately it is very telling. The profile will be a very attractive person of the same sex as you are, you will friend all of your boy/girl's friends. After having established a believable friendship base, send that special someone a friend request with a message that says "we have so many mutual friends!! why haven't I ever seen you before? ;)" If they accept the friend request, they are a cheater and they have to go. They are lying garbage.

3.Follow them

     This is pretty self explanatory. Follow them ALWAYS. Constantly be ten steps behind them, if they catch you, brush it off as a coincidence. Wait for them to do something that is a lie, then DUMP THAT PEICE OF SHIT

4.Bear Trap

     This one isn't as crazy as you might think. Set a bear trap outside of their bedroom door, when the trap snaps closed on their leg, permanently damaging it, you SHOULD be the first person they call. They love you, right? If they don't call you first, they deserved it. and you should also dump them.

5.Threaten their life.
     Hire someone to kill them, the person you hire will put a gun to their head and ask, "any last words?" then if they say something about anyone besides you... Have the guy you hired just finish the job, you don't want to have to deal with breaking up with them, and they lied about loving you, so they deserve to DIE.

6. Go back to basics
     They should text you every day, every morning, a good morning and if every conversation doesn't end with an "I love you." They aren't worth it. If they don't text you back within five minutes, dump them. If you don't feel like they love you, dump them. If they don't hold the door for you, dump them. If they find anybody else in the world attractive, dump them. If they don't take you out for dinner, dump them. If they pick their nose or fart, dump them. If they liked Pirates of the Caribbean 4, 3, or 2. Dump them. If they throw up on roller coasters (even your favorite ones) dump them. If they aren't rich Dump them. If you deserve better, Dump them. If their name is Darrell, keep them (it is such an uncommon name). if their name is Zach, Kenzie, Josh, Katie, Brayden, Ashley, Lauren, Brandon, or Bryson, those names are far too common. Dump them.
Relationships are the worst.
    

How to Be Fat

It's October, and I have some terrible news for you, you are going to get fat.  Now as a renowned fat guy I can say this, but anyone should be able to say this because it's true. The truth is, you are already getting fat. School has started, you don't have time to work out, you hardly have time for both homework AND Facebook. The combination of tons of sitting around and eating is doing it. Plus, Halloween is coming up, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas, thats gonna start to weigh on you (pun intended). So lets face it, you're getting fat, if you don't believe me, go weigh yourself (unless you want to keep your self esteem, then just tell yourself you'll do it later). Right now you're thinking; "lets get to the point, you have torn my self esteem up enough." Well, thats alright, because I'm gonna help you build it back up. I'm going to teach you how to be fat.

Zach Wilson's Fat Guide.

Know your weight limits.
The worst thing that can happen is you getting stuck somewhere that you used to fit, whether that is climbing out a window, getting on a ride at an amusement park, or sitting in the middle seat of a car. This is not only humiliating because you are stuck, but it's something that you are going to need to ask help with, and that is something you just don't want to do, because then other people are going to realize that you are getting fat.

Wear a belt
Butt crack is an embarrassing thing to have hanging out, because butt crack is gross, even on the most attractive of women, butt crack is disgusting. Since you are now fat, it is bound to be exposed at some point. The belt is NOT foolproof though, you still are going to have butt crack, just less of it, so the next time you drop your keys, just try to put your back end facing a wall, then nobody should see. Make sure to be conscious of it, because you are fat, and that is something to worry about.

Buy a Fan
Here is an investment all fat people should make, its relaxing at night, the calming sound soothes you as you go to sleep. Also it will keep you from waking up in a puddle of sweat. Here is how that feels, your butt cheeks are cold and wet right when you wake up, you don't know how to feel, at first you think "why is my butt wet?" then you realize you're sweating like a thirteen year old in Victoria's Secret. And that sweat  has puddled right where you are the fattest (just so you know, your butt is getting fat, I have no recommendations for that because I don't have a butt)

New clothes
There are two ways to dress now that you are fat, you can dress down, or you can dress up, is no middle, you think you can wear your tee shirts any more? Nope. Not unless they go under your sweatshirt, which has a sports team on it. Otherwise you will look like you aren't athletic, because athletic people wear stuff that has names of teams on it, and even though you are fat, you think people will think you are athletic, because your shirt says NBA on it.
Dressing up is the better way to be fat, wear a button up shirt and nice jeans or khaki pants. It is a way to acknowledge that you're fat, but also have some dignity about it. A polo shirt looks nice too. There is just one rule: NEVER wear a shirt with horizontal lines, because it makes you look wider, and I promise you don't need that.

Photos
Try to avoid, at all costs being photographed, the last thing you need right now is someone tagging you in some picture that makes you realize that your second chin is WAY more noticeable than you thought.

Keep your head up
Just so you know, your second chin is way more noticeable than you think.

These are just the need to know things, and you might want to bookmark this page for the future, because it's all downhill after halloween. Also, your face is about to get pasty white and disgusting, enjoy your next three months!

Your Blog Sucks!

I read a friend's blog this morning that made me sick. It was, I mean this in the kindest way, the stereotype of any girl's blog. I'm going to venture from what I intended to write and tell you what a stereotypical female blog is, because even though, when I began writing this blog I had other hurtful things to say. I figured this was one that really NEEDED to get out there. (just kidding, I am aware that my blog is as stupid as the next one)
So, here are the three things that a girl's blog is bound to be.
1. Happy
From what I've seen females like to stay positive and upbeat, even in their blogs, they tell you how their life is going, or that they have checked something off of their bucket list. Even when their life sucks they want to talk about all of the positive things.
2. Shallow
Sometimes their blogs will contain just a list of things they love, and they don't say anything worth looking at on their lists, here is a quote from a blog I read earlier today, where this girl just listed things that she loved.

1. Holding a little baby
2. When a small child hold your pinky instead of your hand
3. Painting my toe nails
4. Feeling pretty

I might laugh, if the overwhelming GAYNESS of it didn't make me sick!

3. Worthless

These blogs lack almost any literary greatness whatsoever, I found this on a random woman's blog, now keep in mind, she is telling this to the world. If anybody read past this paragraph (which was the first one) its sad to think that they had nothing better to do with their time than read this.

"I think you know about my love for Pedipeds, right? The adorable soft-soled leather shoes for babies and toddlers? I found them when Moriah was 6 months old and she has been wearing them ever since. Lucky little Lincoln has had them since he was born."

I can only assume she was going to go on about "pedipeds" which sounds utterly... RETARDED.

This quote made me laugh out loud...

"Part of the reason that I haven't blogged in a long time is my silent judgement of blogs, and of myself. Who am I to put my heart and innermost thoughts online without a care of who they will affect?"

This lady thinks that her philosophies are important. She thinks that her thoughts are going to affect the world. 

In closing, I'd like to remind you that this is [mostly] a joke. And just so you know my friend Alexis has a most fantastic blog. aavacado.blogspot.com. she writes really well, and is very interesting.

The End.

  I'm not embarrassed of the words I am about to write. This blog is going to look at the serious side of something I have joked about for a long time. Here's to my friends who I know I share three magical mutual friends with.
    When I was in second grade my teacher was Ms. Hubner, In retrospect we never really did anything worth anything, I remember her always telling us about what happened on Friends last night and all about her boyfriend, she was pretty bad. She did read to us though, everyday after recess we would sit down in front of her chair and listen to her read for twenty minutes. I remember her reading Ms. Piggle Wiggle, Boxcar Children, Hardy boys. Usually short chapter books that I would take the time to get from the library and then read at home, then she found a new book series that she loved and wanted to share with us. The third book had just barely come out, and it was kind of a big deal. The series was called Harry Potter.
     I fell in love with those books, all I wanted for that Christmas was the first three Harry Potter books. My parents say I disappeared into my bedroom for a month, after I got them, I did read them nonstop. when I was in fourth grade, the fourth book in the series came out, but I was in fourth grade and it was 748 pages long, so I kind of gave up in the middle.
    Then my cousins (who I have been very close with since my childhood) got the books, and they read them, and we would talk about them. Then we would do Harry Potter trivia for hours, trying to outdo each other, having more knowledge of the books inspiring me to pick up the series and reread them. I have read those books every summer since seventh grade, and feel very close to Harry, like he is a personal friend who I grew up with (because he is)
     Since second grade I have been waiting for the next Harry Potter book to come out. I was eight when I started reading them. For Eleven years Harry has been my friend. I have grown up with those books and because of that it is something I have quite a bit of sentimental affection for.
     Tonight it is over, I will no longer have anything to look forward to with Harry Potter, It is over, my life from now until sixty will be too busy to reread those books often like I have done through my teenage years. I wish it wasn't over, I have dreaded and wanted this night to come for a long time, as Albus Dumbledore said "It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up." 
     I am so glad that I could be of the generation that grew up with Harry, waiting on the next book, or movie that would continue his story, but it is done, Harry Potter's story ends tonight. So I dedicate this blog to a few people, Tyler Dove, who obsessed himself with the series as much as I did. Ms. Hubner, the awful teacher that showed me something phenomenal. and Kenzie West, who will be sitting with me in the theater as it all ends, and then crying with me the whole way home.

Thoughts lately

Ladies and gentlemen, I have missed you. After I wrote one of the unfunniest blogs known to man, I killed my blogging entirely. The blog you are reading now has no intention of being funny; I have learned humor is not a necessity to blogging. Blogging is just a random collection of thoughts, so here are some of the thoughts I have been having for a while

I don’t like trashy women, no matter the level of attractiveness, secretly trashy is kind of okay, at least the secretly trashy girl doesn’t wear shirts that expose the majority of their breasts. And secretly trashy girl is very nice. Trashy girl doesn’t think that the shirt she ripped up in about fifty different places and then put on without any underclothes is trashy. Trashy girl needs to learn that those earrings that run up and down her ear with gauges at the bottom is not a way to express herself, she just looks really ghetto.

 I think women are all around better than men and should be treated as such. When I see a man disrespecting a broad, I get very upset, I mean, who would clean his kitchen if she left him?

The Verve once said “loves seems to stick in the veins you know” I think that’s true, I think once you really love somebody, it never goes away, I think that there is always an inkling of love there, even in the case of divorce, I think that no two people who truly loved each other once can ever stop loving the other entirely.

Fireworks are stupid, the only reason I care about them is because they make me a Sh**load of money. When somebody walks into my stand, buys $500 worth of fireworks , and asks me if I take credit, I think, “How about instead of spending money you don’t have, just go to the fireworks show every  single city puts on for FREE!”

I wish people wouldn’t walk into my fireworks tent and ask me what each firework does.

“what’s this one do?”

“It goes into the air and explodes.”

“what’s this expensive one do?”

“It goes higher into the air and explodes bigger”

“what about this cheaper one?”

“It goes into the air and explodes smaller”

“what about this one?”

“Just shut up and buy something”

All musicians are talented, when I hear people (generally hipsters) talk about how untalented a pop musician is I think “Lady Gaga didn’t become a superstar by sucking at singing” any star that is big is quite a good singer, whether the hipsters agree with that or not.

Dear Hipsters, stop trying to be different from everyone else, you all wear cut-off jeans and shop at the D.I. and listen to the same music nobody has heard of and you think that you were the first person to discover Mumford and Sons and that nobody was wearing Toms shoes until after YOU bought them, yep, you aren’t different at all, you are all the same! P.S. the flannel shirts make you all look like skinny Al Borlean’s.

Why don’t I ever see fat hipsters? They’re always skinny. That’s offensive.

I hope I never see Transformers 3, because two was really, really, awful.

Zits are underrated, each one is like a small gift, you can take pleasure in having a clear face, and when one pops you get excited, I mean, as you pop the zit you can see it build up and you feel the terrible pressure behind the skin and then… POP! Pain relieved, zit, out.

When Noah built his ark, why didn’t he just kill fly’s, mosquito’s and spiders?

I think a yearbook for a university would be really awful. 20,000 pictures of people you don’t know, And it would cost a fortune.  That’s why I love Facebook so much.

I think people need to take Facebook more seriously, when someone isn’t your friend don’t add them. It’s really weird.

I think a girl could find out how hot she is by making it so nobody can see her Facebook pictures unless they are her friend, then see how many requests she gets.

Friends are your family that you get to choose, if you are friends with someone, they should be treated as family. People seem to be okay with blowing their friends off for something better or someone more exciting- that is not okay.  Friends are the second most important thing in the world next to family, treat them as such.

Ode to the ugly girl

I'll start this poem with the story that inspired it. Reader's Digest version, true story. my Great-Grandma left my Great-Grandpa for another man, so my Great Grandpa decided he would marry a woman so ugly that no man would take her from him. He did that, and she was a very ugly woman, but she took care of him, she loved him, she smoked and cussed and worked dirty jobs. She was virtually a man.


My girl just left me for another man,
And I will never again hold her hand
I loved my girl. I loved her so.
But she decided to up and go.

Now I have got a new idea
I'll get a wife that won't leave me-a
She'll be so ugly. no man will take her
And I will never, ever forsake her

She will be gross and so very fat
She will have buck teeth like a rat
She will drink, and cuss and smoke
She'll be the perfect girl for this ugly bloke

She will have eternal body odor
Too fat to walk, she needs a chair with a motor
She won't be all clean-shaven and gaudy
Because she can't reach all of the parts of her body.

She will never, ever leave me
Because no man will take her, You better believe me.
And when she's with me I'm the boss
And if she leaves me, it's nobody's loss

So there she is, she is my dream girl
And I am sure she will make you hurl
If by chance she's a girl that another man will take
At least I won't feel any heartbreak.