How to Be Fat

It's October, and I have some terrible news for you, you are going to get fat.  Now as a renowned fat guy I can say this, but anyone should be able to say this because it's true. The truth is, you are already getting fat. School has started, you don't have time to work out, you hardly have time for both homework AND Facebook. The combination of tons of sitting around and eating is doing it. Plus, Halloween is coming up, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas, thats gonna start to weigh on you (pun intended). So lets face it, you're getting fat, if you don't believe me, go weigh yourself (unless you want to keep your self esteem, then just tell yourself you'll do it later). Right now you're thinking; "lets get to the point, you have torn my self esteem up enough." Well, thats alright, because I'm gonna help you build it back up. I'm going to teach you how to be fat.

Zach Wilson's Fat Guide.

Know your weight limits.
The worst thing that can happen is you getting stuck somewhere that you used to fit, whether that is climbing out a window, getting on a ride at an amusement park, or sitting in the middle seat of a car. This is not only humiliating because you are stuck, but it's something that you are going to need to ask help with, and that is something you just don't want to do, because then other people are going to realize that you are getting fat.

Wear a belt
Butt crack is an embarrassing thing to have hanging out, because butt crack is gross, even on the most attractive of women, butt crack is disgusting. Since you are now fat, it is bound to be exposed at some point. The belt is NOT foolproof though, you still are going to have butt crack, just less of it, so the next time you drop your keys, just try to put your back end facing a wall, then nobody should see. Make sure to be conscious of it, because you are fat, and that is something to worry about.

Buy a Fan
Here is an investment all fat people should make, its relaxing at night, the calming sound soothes you as you go to sleep. Also it will keep you from waking up in a puddle of sweat. Here is how that feels, your butt cheeks are cold and wet right when you wake up, you don't know how to feel, at first you think "why is my butt wet?" then you realize you're sweating like a thirteen year old in Victoria's Secret. And that sweat  has puddled right where you are the fattest (just so you know, your butt is getting fat, I have no recommendations for that because I don't have a butt)

New clothes
There are two ways to dress now that you are fat, you can dress down, or you can dress up, is no middle, you think you can wear your tee shirts any more? Nope. Not unless they go under your sweatshirt, which has a sports team on it. Otherwise you will look like you aren't athletic, because athletic people wear stuff that has names of teams on it, and even though you are fat, you think people will think you are athletic, because your shirt says NBA on it.
Dressing up is the better way to be fat, wear a button up shirt and nice jeans or khaki pants. It is a way to acknowledge that you're fat, but also have some dignity about it. A polo shirt looks nice too. There is just one rule: NEVER wear a shirt with horizontal lines, because it makes you look wider, and I promise you don't need that.

Photos
Try to avoid, at all costs being photographed, the last thing you need right now is someone tagging you in some picture that makes you realize that your second chin is WAY more noticeable than you thought.

Keep your head up
Just so you know, your second chin is way more noticeable than you think.

These are just the need to know things, and you might want to bookmark this page for the future, because it's all downhill after halloween. Also, your face is about to get pasty white and disgusting, enjoy your next three months!

Your Blog Sucks!

I read a friend's blog this morning that made me sick. It was, I mean this in the kindest way, the stereotype of any girl's blog. I'm going to venture from what I intended to write and tell you what a stereotypical female blog is, because even though, when I began writing this blog I had other hurtful things to say. I figured this was one that really NEEDED to get out there. (just kidding, I am aware that my blog is as stupid as the next one)
So, here are the three things that a girl's blog is bound to be.
1. Happy
From what I've seen females like to stay positive and upbeat, even in their blogs, they tell you how their life is going, or that they have checked something off of their bucket list. Even when their life sucks they want to talk about all of the positive things.
2. Shallow
Sometimes their blogs will contain just a list of things they love, and they don't say anything worth looking at on their lists, here is a quote from a blog I read earlier today, where this girl just listed things that she loved.

1. Holding a little baby
2. When a small child hold your pinky instead of your hand
3. Painting my toe nails
4. Feeling pretty

I might laugh, if the overwhelming GAYNESS of it didn't make me sick!

3. Worthless

These blogs lack almost any literary greatness whatsoever, I found this on a random woman's blog, now keep in mind, she is telling this to the world. If anybody read past this paragraph (which was the first one) its sad to think that they had nothing better to do with their time than read this.

"I think you know about my love for Pedipeds, right? The adorable soft-soled leather shoes for babies and toddlers? I found them when Moriah was 6 months old and she has been wearing them ever since. Lucky little Lincoln has had them since he was born."

I can only assume she was going to go on about "pedipeds" which sounds utterly... RETARDED.

This quote made me laugh out loud...

"Part of the reason that I haven't blogged in a long time is my silent judgement of blogs, and of myself. Who am I to put my heart and innermost thoughts online without a care of who they will affect?"

This lady thinks that her philosophies are important. She thinks that her thoughts are going to affect the world. 

In closing, I'd like to remind you that this is [mostly] a joke. And just so you know my friend Alexis has a most fantastic blog. aavacado.blogspot.com. she writes really well, and is very interesting.

The End.

  I'm not embarrassed of the words I am about to write. This blog is going to look at the serious side of something I have joked about for a long time. Here's to my friends who I know I share three magical mutual friends with.
    When I was in second grade my teacher was Ms. Hubner, In retrospect we never really did anything worth anything, I remember her always telling us about what happened on Friends last night and all about her boyfriend, she was pretty bad. She did read to us though, everyday after recess we would sit down in front of her chair and listen to her read for twenty minutes. I remember her reading Ms. Piggle Wiggle, Boxcar Children, Hardy boys. Usually short chapter books that I would take the time to get from the library and then read at home, then she found a new book series that she loved and wanted to share with us. The third book had just barely come out, and it was kind of a big deal. The series was called Harry Potter.
     I fell in love with those books, all I wanted for that Christmas was the first three Harry Potter books. My parents say I disappeared into my bedroom for a month, after I got them, I did read them nonstop. when I was in fourth grade, the fourth book in the series came out, but I was in fourth grade and it was 748 pages long, so I kind of gave up in the middle.
    Then my cousins (who I have been very close with since my childhood) got the books, and they read them, and we would talk about them. Then we would do Harry Potter trivia for hours, trying to outdo each other, having more knowledge of the books inspiring me to pick up the series and reread them. I have read those books every summer since seventh grade, and feel very close to Harry, like he is a personal friend who I grew up with (because he is)
     Since second grade I have been waiting for the next Harry Potter book to come out. I was eight when I started reading them. For Eleven years Harry has been my friend. I have grown up with those books and because of that it is something I have quite a bit of sentimental affection for.
     Tonight it is over, I will no longer have anything to look forward to with Harry Potter, It is over, my life from now until sixty will be too busy to reread those books often like I have done through my teenage years. I wish it wasn't over, I have dreaded and wanted this night to come for a long time, as Albus Dumbledore said "It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up." 
     I am so glad that I could be of the generation that grew up with Harry, waiting on the next book, or movie that would continue his story, but it is done, Harry Potter's story ends tonight. So I dedicate this blog to a few people, Tyler Dove, who obsessed himself with the series as much as I did. Ms. Hubner, the awful teacher that showed me something phenomenal. and Kenzie West, who will be sitting with me in the theater as it all ends, and then crying with me the whole way home.

Thoughts lately

Ladies and gentlemen, I have missed you. After I wrote one of the unfunniest blogs known to man, I killed my blogging entirely. The blog you are reading now has no intention of being funny; I have learned humor is not a necessity to blogging. Blogging is just a random collection of thoughts, so here are some of the thoughts I have been having for a while

I don’t like trashy women, no matter the level of attractiveness, secretly trashy is kind of okay, at least the secretly trashy girl doesn’t wear shirts that expose the majority of their breasts. And secretly trashy girl is very nice. Trashy girl doesn’t think that the shirt she ripped up in about fifty different places and then put on without any underclothes is trashy. Trashy girl needs to learn that those earrings that run up and down her ear with gauges at the bottom is not a way to express herself, she just looks really ghetto.

 I think women are all around better than men and should be treated as such. When I see a man disrespecting a broad, I get very upset, I mean, who would clean his kitchen if she left him?

The Verve once said “loves seems to stick in the veins you know” I think that’s true, I think once you really love somebody, it never goes away, I think that there is always an inkling of love there, even in the case of divorce, I think that no two people who truly loved each other once can ever stop loving the other entirely.

Fireworks are stupid, the only reason I care about them is because they make me a Sh**load of money. When somebody walks into my stand, buys $500 worth of fireworks , and asks me if I take credit, I think, “How about instead of spending money you don’t have, just go to the fireworks show every  single city puts on for FREE!”

I wish people wouldn’t walk into my fireworks tent and ask me what each firework does.

“what’s this one do?”

“It goes into the air and explodes.”

“what’s this expensive one do?”

“It goes higher into the air and explodes bigger”

“what about this cheaper one?”

“It goes into the air and explodes smaller”

“what about this one?”

“Just shut up and buy something”

All musicians are talented, when I hear people (generally hipsters) talk about how untalented a pop musician is I think “Lady Gaga didn’t become a superstar by sucking at singing” any star that is big is quite a good singer, whether the hipsters agree with that or not.

Dear Hipsters, stop trying to be different from everyone else, you all wear cut-off jeans and shop at the D.I. and listen to the same music nobody has heard of and you think that you were the first person to discover Mumford and Sons and that nobody was wearing Toms shoes until after YOU bought them, yep, you aren’t different at all, you are all the same! P.S. the flannel shirts make you all look like skinny Al Borlean’s.

Why don’t I ever see fat hipsters? They’re always skinny. That’s offensive.

I hope I never see Transformers 3, because two was really, really, awful.

Zits are underrated, each one is like a small gift, you can take pleasure in having a clear face, and when one pops you get excited, I mean, as you pop the zit you can see it build up and you feel the terrible pressure behind the skin and then… POP! Pain relieved, zit, out.

When Noah built his ark, why didn’t he just kill fly’s, mosquito’s and spiders?

I think a yearbook for a university would be really awful. 20,000 pictures of people you don’t know, And it would cost a fortune.  That’s why I love Facebook so much.

I think people need to take Facebook more seriously, when someone isn’t your friend don’t add them. It’s really weird.

I think a girl could find out how hot she is by making it so nobody can see her Facebook pictures unless they are her friend, then see how many requests she gets.

Friends are your family that you get to choose, if you are friends with someone, they should be treated as family. People seem to be okay with blowing their friends off for something better or someone more exciting- that is not okay.  Friends are the second most important thing in the world next to family, treat them as such.

Ode to the ugly girl

I'll start this poem with the story that inspired it. Reader's Digest version, true story. my Great-Grandma left my Great-Grandpa for another man, so my Great Grandpa decided he would marry a woman so ugly that no man would take her from him. He did that, and she was a very ugly woman, but she took care of him, she loved him, she smoked and cussed and worked dirty jobs. She was virtually a man.


My girl just left me for another man,
And I will never again hold her hand
I loved my girl. I loved her so.
But she decided to up and go.

Now I have got a new idea
I'll get a wife that won't leave me-a
She'll be so ugly. no man will take her
And I will never, ever forsake her

She will be gross and so very fat
She will have buck teeth like a rat
She will drink, and cuss and smoke
She'll be the perfect girl for this ugly bloke

She will have eternal body odor
Too fat to walk, she needs a chair with a motor
She won't be all clean-shaven and gaudy
Because she can't reach all of the parts of her body.

She will never, ever leave me
Because no man will take her, You better believe me.
And when she's with me I'm the boss
And if she leaves me, it's nobody's loss

So there she is, she is my dream girl
And I am sure she will make you hurl
If by chance she's a girl that another man will take
At least I won't feel any heartbreak.

Ode to Meat

The world called Earth is a horrible place

Wars, famine and thieves fill this wondrous space

Living on earth is almost unbearable

Only one thing could make it more terrible

It’s awful to wake myself up in the morning

and drag myself to a class that’s incredibly boring

I hate the sound of my ringing alarm clock

There is so much in the world to hate and mock

But there is one thing that is truly great

And it carries with it a wonderful trait

It’s chewy, and tough and a wonderful treat

What would life be like, If I didn’t have meat

So this ode is to the food that keeps me alive

If I were a hippie, how would I survive?

Eating tofu, twigs, leaves, and fruit

Life would suck, and I’d be a tree hugger to boot

It’s not like we are a society of agrarians

So why the hell would you be a vegetarian

Cows are ugly and chickens are dumb

So who would chose to live life in a meatless slum?

I feel the need to be honest, and not at all vague

I wouldn’t care if all animals died of the plague

As long as pigs, chickens, and cows remain

Seafood as well, fish and shrimp bring me gain

This poem is for hippies, I’m not gonna lie

I’ll be eating meat ‘till the day that I die

So don’t say “save the animals” to me

Just go smoke weed and live in a tree

HOT DOG!

The Classiest Man of All

    I realized there is a reason I don't have a girlfriend, I'm just not classy enough. You see, a classy man buys a flower shop out of flowers and sends them to his girlfriend? Now who is the man I want to be? Well let me describe him to you, he is short, shorter than his girlfriend, he is very attractive and is younger than his girlfriend, and he has a singing voice that sounds like cream and sugar. Yes, my idol is Justin Bieber.
   Justin "the Biebster" Bieber pulled an undisclosed amount of cash (I assume at least several thousand dollars) and bought every single flower in a flower shop for his girlfriend- Selena Gomez. What is classier than this kind act of love?
   Justin could have paid for a poor child's college tuition, but NO! HIS GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A HOUSE FULL OF FLOWERS!!! Who cares who is going hungry in Africa? Selena Gomez deserves that... so props to the Bieb.
   I found something classier, Justin is so sweet that he even donates to charity? Donating money to charity, thats sort of classy, but donating a small lock of your hair (roughly fifty pieces) to charity, that is incredible. I'm not kidding, each lock of hair is auctioned off for seven thousand dollars. What world do we live in? There are riots in Egypt, but I honestly think that Selena deserves the best man in the world and
 To my male readership, feast your eyes upon the sexiest girl that Disney Channel has ever produced
(disclaimer- I do not view Ms. Gomez as a piece of meat, but as an incredibly talented singer, who is very beautiful)
(I-claimer- Selena Gomez)

She is Eighteen, I'm not a pedophile

An open letter to Justin Beiber

Justin.

Respect to you, you're canadian, so am I. Also, you have many female admirers, I want female admirers. You have the girl I always dreamed of,  she deserves the best of the best. You are good to her and she deserves a boy who is rich, and talented. If I hear you lay one finger on her in a way that she finds disrespectful (and I have credible sources TMZ, ET, The E! Channel). I will march my self to your next concert and hit you, hard. Then I will take her from you. She is destined to be mine.

With Jealousy

-Zach Wilson

The End of an Era

This post is straight up dedicated to Jill Robinson.

    This post will probably reduce my readership by about 75 percent, because girls are the only ones kind enough to read my blog. So here's to you, Ms. Robinson.

     I've decided to stop reading the news, it's depressing and I'm getting sick of being sad all of the time. But Yesterday  I read news that didn't just make me sad, it made me sick. Now to my male readership, this is bad news for you, bad, horrible, terrible, news that shouldn't be read. But you have to read on, for there is no other way for me to break this to you. The Cleveland Indians have hired a woman pitcher. Guys, this hurts me worse than it hurts you, I had to break it to you and there was just no other way to do it.
     A woman in the MLB? really? Women take everything manly and just rip the balls off of it, and it hurts, it started with voting, then driving, then you all thought it would be a good idea to go to college and get full time jobs. What's next? A woman pimp? Did we do something to you ladies that made you think you had to take our livelihood away? Do we threaten you? Are you jealous of our rugged muscles? Facial hair? Our tough can-do attitude? Do yo wish you could pee standing up? Why do you want to be men so badly? Can't you just be happy having babies and raising them?
     To help my suffering self esteem, I want to reflect upon a time women couldn't vote or have any job other than babysitter, AND THEY BABYSAT FOR FREE. I want to remember a time where men worked and came home with dinner ready and the kids asleep, and then his woman would massage his shoulders. Women had no political sway and feminism was just a thing of mockery. Women didn't drive and Susan B. Anthony was the butt of any good joke. These feminists/lesbians (they're really the same thing) have screwed up society as a whole.
    
    Not all women are bad, my best friend is a female, and is pretty dope but even still, when a woman is at college and she is majoring in anything besides education, or something artsy, she probably isn't a real woman. With the exception of Mrs. Huxtable, female lawyers and politicians? LESBIAN. (Have you ever seen Hillary Clinton?) 

 *this post is entirely for fun, please take no offense to it. I respect all girls and there are a few of them who I love dearly, but it's probably just because I know that they aren't going to end up ruining a professional sport.












   

Mormons, Eighth Graders of Religion

     Utah, known for skiing, mountains, and Mormons. The Mormons are the issue right now though, because skiing and mountains can't really be a problem, but the blatant ignorance of a Utah Mormon is profound. I'll start with the following statement that I heard recently, and it was spoken with such conviction that it would be hard to deny: "Steve Martin is a Mormon." I've heard this statement before but the name Steve Martin was replaced with Cristina Aguilera, Brittany Spears, Harry Potter, Lady Gaga, etc. people are telling me that certain famous people are Mormon all of the time. Is it just me?        
     This feels like a Napoleon Complex type of thing, where since we are a small awkward religion, we have to show off and tell everybody lies so that everybody thinks we are cool. Mormons are like that loser in middle school that just made stuff up so that he would get friends. Remember? He was the one who had a pet iguana and he told you how his parents would let him swear all the time at home. Then you went to his birthday party and he told you his iguana just died and he claimed he never told you he was allowed to swear. That's who we are, when someone with some sense calls us out "Steve Jobs is not a Mormon." Then we say "Oh, yeah your right, I was thinking someone else" just so we don't get caught in our lies. Mormons, the eighth graders of the religious world.

To All Seniors - Bite me.

     A common tradition since the dawn of college has been seniors disrespecting freshman for their blatant immaturity and easy classes. And a lot of freshmen have been pointing their middle fingers to these upperclassmen (these people need to buck up). To boost morale I decided to address this issue.

    1. We are immature, and we can be. This is an incredible plus for us, if we are going to be referred to as "those immature freshman." We might as well live up to our potential, and there are many ways we can do this.
 I think I will start putting graffiti all over in the bathroom stall (starting with offensive pictures, swastikas. etc and then moving on to vulgarities) , followed by skipping class as often as possible and getting the notes from my friends. There is also a building on campus called the Biology and Natural Resources (for short it is known as the B-N-R) I'm going to call that the "boner."
Also, I'm going to stay up until 4 or 5 A.M., being loud and obnoxious, playing my music loud for all to hear and keeping everybody awake. Maybe I'll pick up drinking too, it would make me really cool and likable.


    2. Yeah we have easy classes! and we are proud of it. We don't have to worry about a family until later, our hardest jobs right now include flipping burgers, or doing nothing. This is the time of our lives. So to all of the seniors who have the time to insult us, maybe you should get some more meaningful jobs, girlfriends, and find something a little more important to pick on.


    3. It is acceptable for us all to gain fifteen pounds our freshman year. My personal goal, gain twenty, if not thirty pounds. I figure the fatter the man, the greater he is. If you are a cute girl and you know a chubby guy that doesn't have a  girlfriend, just date him, for he is desperate and lonely, today he made a match.com profile for a two week trial and was matched up with over one hundred girls (one was actually cute). I digress.


There are some people I would like to address though, the eight men that stand in the front row behind the basket at the Utah State University, this includes the famous "Wild Bill" and his cronies.


   You guys act like high school seniors, the world does not revolve around you. Wild Bill, man, you are almost thirty years old, I remember when my parents were thirty, and believe me, they did not ever think about dressing up as Barney and lead the student section in a chorus of "I'm a little teapot." Sorry, even though the media makes you out to be the hero of USU, my friend, your time is up, hopefully.