Time Magazine has named officially their person of the year. I always get excited to find out who it will be. I think to myself "who is it going to be?" Is going to be Mir-Hossein Mousavi? The great new president of Iran that promises to bring democracy to the war-torn country? Will it be Dr. Kiran Shaw? The woman who donates nearly two million dollars a year from her own earnings to one hundred thousand Indian children for their health insurance? Or how about Valentin Abe? He's a Hatian-born man whose goal is to give Hatians jobs. I was so excited for the "Person of the Year" issue to come out, because then we can recognize people that do great things for society.
Aparrently Time Magazine doesn't agree with me on this, becasue they gave the great honor of "Person of the Year" to Mark Zuckerberg. Not to a man who has helped and infuenced hunderds of people, but to the man who has created the greatest thing since penicillin. Here is what facebook has done to the United States of America.
1. Facebook keeps us on the internet. Facebook started when hundreds of thousands of college students got addicted to a website that keeps them from writing papers, studying for tests, or doing anything effective on the internet in general. This isn't completely terrible- these students could be getting addicted to other things (Meth). But at least if they were on meth, they would be able to use the internet for something a little more noteworthy.
2. Facebook makes us lie to each other and to ourselves. You don't believe me? have you ever thought or said the words "I don't love Facebook?" Well you lied, I use Facebook, and as a seasoned Facebook user I know for a fact: everybody that uses Facebook, ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT! For no reason, its like you can't get bored on the internet site of wonders. Do you have a hot friend? Show her to your roommates! Did you ever wonder what happened to your friend in third grade that moved to England because her dad worked for the military? Look at her pictures! Do you want the guy your best friend is dating to not come up for the three day weekend so that you can hang out with her? Send him a personal, anonymous message without ever becoming friends with him, and do it via Facebook.
3. Nobody is depressed anymore. This is just a hypothesis, but I bet that the suicide rate has decreased considerably since Facebook came about. When your feeling down, just look at the 900 friends that said yes to your requests, and realize that you are a popular person (sure, you actually requested 1800 friends, but half is good, right?). Or if your feeling really down write a nice compliment on a hot girl's wall and then wait for a polite comment response to the post and convince yourself that she responded to the post because she cares about you. It's still kind of hard not to be depressed though when your close and extended family make up half of your Facebook friends.
4. Appear like you are doing good things. When you have family members on Facebook (ranging from brother to grandmother) you can write your statuses in a way that will impress them, and your real friends know what you really did that day. (i.e. Thomas Sanderson had a great time talking his amazing girlfriend Jenna Lee Abbot* last night) your mother see's that and can know that you and Jenna are waiting for marriage and obeying the law of chastity, also she sees that you aren't doing anything but just conversing with the girl you love. When really you were talking to her on the phone and she was trying to break up with you because for the third night in a row you got hammered, but you used your charm to keep the love alive, then, using Facebook, you charmed the girl a little more.
*Tagged: Jenna Lee Abbot
5. Your friends can help you come out of the closet you didn't even know you were in. With an addiction like Facebook, even when you are with friends you cant help but get on. So, using their laptop you check your notifications, say yes to fifteen friend requests and then look at that hot girl in your math class's pictures. Then you close their laptop (with your Facebook still open) and go hang out. Before you know it you will be seeing ads on the side of your screen exclaiming that there is a great place online to meet gay men near you. It will take you a few weeks before you realize that your friend changed your "interested in" to Men.
I just want to spend my last few words thanking Mark Zuckerberg for is great contributions to the world, I want Mark to know that he's the reason that I will never get a paper written until the night before its due.
*Tagged: Nobody important
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