Lately I've been reading about "whaffing" technology, this has to be the saddest, laziest most retarded thing I've ever heard of, but according to it's inventor, Dr. David Edwards from Harvard, this is the food of the future.
Here is a brief explanation of what the Whaf machine does, you take any liquid, or certain special kinds of food, and stick them in this cute little machine that looks like a goldfish bowl on top of a box, and the box whirs around and turns your food into smoke that you inhale. So you inhale your lunch and it tastes the same as if you were actually eating it. Who is this guy Willy Wonka?
AMERICA! what is your problem? People wonder why there is an obesity epidemic? We wouldn't want to waste those precious calories chewing, would we? The only reason this was invented was because DOCTOR EDWARDS, was sick and tired of wasting calories every time he tried to chew his steak, and since his wife wouldn't move his jaw for him any more, he got off the couch to go invent something that would make it so he never had to chew again.
According to its reviews the Whaf Machine actually has a very accurate taste, the people that have tested it say that this machine is very good at catching all of the different flavors even in complex foods such as lemon tarts, or tomato soup. so flavor may not be an issue, but texture HAS to be a problem, one of the reasons I eat is for the texture. And who is getting full drinking this air? Would the smell perforate the house any worse than it usually does? When I fry up onions to go with dinner it stinks up my entire house, the clothes I'm wearing, and my roommates get mad, how mad would they be if I was making onion flavored air?
Enough about that, here is a list of things that I would not want to Whaf.
1. Steak
2. Shrimp
3. Fried Chicken
4. Breadsticks
5. Anything from McDonald's
6. Anything from Panda Express
7. Meatloaf
8. Tuna Fish
9.Philly Cheese Steak
10. Pretty much any food.
Here are some things that sound very whaffable
1. Waffles (get it, whaffing waffles? That sounds like something you would hear on Scooby Doo. "Whaffing waffles, Velma! It was old man Jenkins the whole time!")
2. Ice cream
3. Hot chocolate
4. Caramel Symphony bar
5. Vanilla hot chocolate
You see? The list is short because whaffing sounds absolutely disgusting. This has to be the dumbest idea since the huge fan on ceiling in the room for Fizzy Lifting Drinks.
1.28.2011
1.21.2011
Strange Benefits
I'm a straight man, and I have strong feelings for girls, I'm trying to say that I like girls, and have no feelings whatsoever for men. I don't even know how girls can like men, but they do and it's something I'm grateful for. Girls are very attractive and appealing, while men are not. The purpose of this post is not for me to prove that I am not gay, because no matter what you think, I am not gay.
There might be benefits to being a gay man though, specifically, in the world of relationships.
1. Get some honesty. Your partner is honest with you, if there is something going on he will tell you. This is a concept that apparently only guys can grasp, just saying what you think. Here is an example
Man to Girlfriend: "Does it bother you when I hang out with other girls when you aren't there? Because if it does I can stop"
Girl: "No, its fine"
Man: "Are you sure?"
Girl: "Yep. It's okay."
Girl to Girl: "I can't believe he has to ask me that question! Of course I hate it when he is with other girls! If they are better than me, why doesn't he just date them?!"
Here is the gay version of the previous conversation
Man to "Partner": "Do you hate it when I hang out with other guys and you aren't there?"
Partner: "yes"
Man: "Okay, I'll stop"
Did you see how easy that was? unbelievably easy!
2. Settling fights are easier than ever when you're gay! When in a fight with a girl, you call her- she doesn't answer. Leave a message, send a text, and nothing, she doesn't respond because she is mad at you (My theoretical input: I think girls stay "mad" so long because they love the attention, they love that you have sent them fifty texts, and they feel cared about). This girl's going to be mad at you until she feels like you have thought about only her for a week, and depending on how insecure she is, she could be mad at you for a month.
Here is what a gay fight would be like: "Dude, you're being dumb" PUNCH. PUNCH. Now everybody is happy in a loving relationship, nobody feels bad, it's like the fight never happened.
3. He doesn't care about what you look like. When you're in a relationship with a girl, you will, no doubt hear "You're wearing that?." The appropriate response is "No, I just thought I would wear these jeans until you picked out the jeans you bought me for Christmas." You're thinking "What is wrong with this? Its a nice hoodie, I look casual, but not terrible." Your girlfriend disagrees.
Here is the gay version. "Dude, we're going to see Sound of Music, put some clothes on."
"Can I just wear these basketball shorts with this sweatshirt?"
"I think it's a little more formal than that"
"Alright, I'll put a tie on"
4. Never hear obnoxious screams. You live with a woman when suddenly, you hear the loudest, high pitched, awful scream. You panic, nearly call the police but first you decide to go see what's going on. Then you realize that the thing that almost killed her was a spider, on the wall, across the room. She is frozen in her footsteps by a common house spider.
Here is the gay version. you partner sees a spider, STOMP, FLUSH, DONE.
5. Never get divorced. You're infidelity is hardly looked at as severe when you aren't married. Sure it might end the relationship with your partner, but the whole "Who gets the house?" question doesn't come into effect, you don't have kids, so whoever paid for the house gets it, the other guy moves out.
The gay life seems so easy, why was I cursed with straight feelings? Life would be so much easier if I were gay.
I am not anti-gay. Please take no offense to this article if you are gay.
There might be benefits to being a gay man though, specifically, in the world of relationships.
1. Get some honesty. Your partner is honest with you, if there is something going on he will tell you. This is a concept that apparently only guys can grasp, just saying what you think. Here is an example
Man to Girlfriend: "Does it bother you when I hang out with other girls when you aren't there? Because if it does I can stop"
Girl: "No, its fine"
Man: "Are you sure?"
Girl: "Yep. It's okay."
Girl to Girl: "I can't believe he has to ask me that question! Of course I hate it when he is with other girls! If they are better than me, why doesn't he just date them?!"
Here is the gay version of the previous conversation
Man to "Partner": "Do you hate it when I hang out with other guys and you aren't there?"
Partner: "yes"
Man: "Okay, I'll stop"
Did you see how easy that was? unbelievably easy!
2. Settling fights are easier than ever when you're gay! When in a fight with a girl, you call her- she doesn't answer. Leave a message, send a text, and nothing, she doesn't respond because she is mad at you (My theoretical input: I think girls stay "mad" so long because they love the attention, they love that you have sent them fifty texts, and they feel cared about). This girl's going to be mad at you until she feels like you have thought about only her for a week, and depending on how insecure she is, she could be mad at you for a month.
Here is what a gay fight would be like: "Dude, you're being dumb" PUNCH. PUNCH. Now everybody is happy in a loving relationship, nobody feels bad, it's like the fight never happened.
3. He doesn't care about what you look like. When you're in a relationship with a girl, you will, no doubt hear "You're wearing that?." The appropriate response is "No, I just thought I would wear these jeans until you picked out the jeans you bought me for Christmas." You're thinking "What is wrong with this? Its a nice hoodie, I look casual, but not terrible." Your girlfriend disagrees.
Here is the gay version. "Dude, we're going to see Sound of Music, put some clothes on."
"Can I just wear these basketball shorts with this sweatshirt?"
"I think it's a little more formal than that"
"Alright, I'll put a tie on"
 |
| The Tie and Hoodie Combo, no woman stopped this man. |
Here is the gay version. you partner sees a spider, STOMP, FLUSH, DONE.
5. Never get divorced. You're infidelity is hardly looked at as severe when you aren't married. Sure it might end the relationship with your partner, but the whole "Who gets the house?" question doesn't come into effect, you don't have kids, so whoever paid for the house gets it, the other guy moves out.
The gay life seems so easy, why was I cursed with straight feelings? Life would be so much easier if I were gay.
I am not anti-gay. Please take no offense to this article if you are gay.
1.14.2011
Person of the Year*
Time Magazine has named officially their person of the year. I always get excited to find out who it will be. I think to myself "who is it going to be?" Is going to be Mir-Hossein Mousavi? The great new president of Iran that promises to bring democracy to the war-torn country? Will it be Dr. Kiran Shaw? The woman who donates nearly two million dollars a year from her own earnings to one hundred thousand Indian children for their health insurance? Or how about Valentin Abe? He's a Hatian-born man whose goal is to give Hatians jobs. I was so excited for the "Person of the Year" issue to come out, because then we can recognize people that do great things for society.
Aparrently Time Magazine doesn't agree with me on this, becasue they gave the great honor of "Person of the Year" to Mark Zuckerberg. Not to a man who has helped and infuenced hunderds of people, but to the man who has created the greatest thing since penicillin. Here is what facebook has done to the United States of America.
1. Facebook keeps us on the internet. Facebook started when hundreds of thousands of college students got addicted to a website that keeps them from writing papers, studying for tests, or doing anything effective on the internet in general. This isn't completely terrible- these students could be getting addicted to other things (Meth). But at least if they were on meth, they would be able to use the internet for something a little more noteworthy.
2. Facebook makes us lie to each other and to ourselves. You don't believe me? have you ever thought or said the words "I don't love Facebook?" Well you lied, I use Facebook, and as a seasoned Facebook user I know for a fact: everybody that uses Facebook, ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT! For no reason, its like you can't get bored on the internet site of wonders. Do you have a hot friend? Show her to your roommates! Did you ever wonder what happened to your friend in third grade that moved to England because her dad worked for the military? Look at her pictures! Do you want the guy your best friend is dating to not come up for the three day weekend so that you can hang out with her? Send him a personal, anonymous message without ever becoming friends with him, and do it via Facebook.
3. Nobody is depressed anymore. This is just a hypothesis, but I bet that the suicide rate has decreased considerably since Facebook came about. When your feeling down, just look at the 900 friends that said yes to your requests, and realize that you are a popular person (sure, you actually requested 1800 friends, but half is good, right?). Or if your feeling really down write a nice compliment on a hot girl's wall and then wait for a polite comment response to the post and convince yourself that she responded to the post because she cares about you. It's still kind of hard not to be depressed though when your close and extended family make up half of your Facebook friends.
4. Appear like you are doing good things. When you have family members on Facebook (ranging from brother to grandmother) you can write your statuses in a way that will impress them, and your real friends know what you really did that day. (i.e. Thomas Sanderson had a great time talking his amazing girlfriend Jenna Lee Abbot* last night) your mother see's that and can know that you and Jenna are waiting for marriage and obeying the law of chastity, also she sees that you aren't doing anything but just conversing with the girl you love. When really you were talking to her on the phone and she was trying to break up with you because for the third night in a row you got hammered, but you used your charm to keep the love alive, then, using Facebook, you charmed the girl a little more.
*Tagged: Jenna Lee Abbot
5. Your friends can help you come out of the closet you didn't even know you were in. With an addiction like Facebook, even when you are with friends you cant help but get on. So, using their laptop you check your notifications, say yes to fifteen friend requests and then look at that hot girl in your math class's pictures. Then you close their laptop (with your Facebook still open) and go hang out. Before you know it you will be seeing ads on the side of your screen exclaiming that there is a great place online to meet gay men near you. It will take you a few weeks before you realize that your friend changed your "interested in" to Men.
I just want to spend my last few words thanking Mark Zuckerberg for is great contributions to the world, I want Mark to know that he's the reason that I will never get a paper written until the night before its due.
*Tagged: Nobody important
Aparrently Time Magazine doesn't agree with me on this, becasue they gave the great honor of "Person of the Year" to Mark Zuckerberg. Not to a man who has helped and infuenced hunderds of people, but to the man who has created the greatest thing since penicillin. Here is what facebook has done to the United States of America.
1. Facebook keeps us on the internet. Facebook started when hundreds of thousands of college students got addicted to a website that keeps them from writing papers, studying for tests, or doing anything effective on the internet in general. This isn't completely terrible- these students could be getting addicted to other things (Meth). But at least if they were on meth, they would be able to use the internet for something a little more noteworthy.
2. Facebook makes us lie to each other and to ourselves. You don't believe me? have you ever thought or said the words "I don't love Facebook?" Well you lied, I use Facebook, and as a seasoned Facebook user I know for a fact: everybody that uses Facebook, ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT! For no reason, its like you can't get bored on the internet site of wonders. Do you have a hot friend? Show her to your roommates! Did you ever wonder what happened to your friend in third grade that moved to England because her dad worked for the military? Look at her pictures! Do you want the guy your best friend is dating to not come up for the three day weekend so that you can hang out with her? Send him a personal, anonymous message without ever becoming friends with him, and do it via Facebook.
3. Nobody is depressed anymore. This is just a hypothesis, but I bet that the suicide rate has decreased considerably since Facebook came about. When your feeling down, just look at the 900 friends that said yes to your requests, and realize that you are a popular person (sure, you actually requested 1800 friends, but half is good, right?). Or if your feeling really down write a nice compliment on a hot girl's wall and then wait for a polite comment response to the post and convince yourself that she responded to the post because she cares about you. It's still kind of hard not to be depressed though when your close and extended family make up half of your Facebook friends.
4. Appear like you are doing good things. When you have family members on Facebook (ranging from brother to grandmother) you can write your statuses in a way that will impress them, and your real friends know what you really did that day. (i.e. Thomas Sanderson had a great time talking his amazing girlfriend Jenna Lee Abbot* last night) your mother see's that and can know that you and Jenna are waiting for marriage and obeying the law of chastity, also she sees that you aren't doing anything but just conversing with the girl you love. When really you were talking to her on the phone and she was trying to break up with you because for the third night in a row you got hammered, but you used your charm to keep the love alive, then, using Facebook, you charmed the girl a little more.
*Tagged: Jenna Lee Abbot
5. Your friends can help you come out of the closet you didn't even know you were in. With an addiction like Facebook, even when you are with friends you cant help but get on. So, using their laptop you check your notifications, say yes to fifteen friend requests and then look at that hot girl in your math class's pictures. Then you close their laptop (with your Facebook still open) and go hang out. Before you know it you will be seeing ads on the side of your screen exclaiming that there is a great place online to meet gay men near you. It will take you a few weeks before you realize that your friend changed your "interested in" to Men.
I just want to spend my last few words thanking Mark Zuckerberg for is great contributions to the world, I want Mark to know that he's the reason that I will never get a paper written until the night before its due.
*Tagged: Nobody important
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