I'm a Better Man Than You (Na na na boo boo, stick your head in doo doo)

Today I earned my manhood. From now on every January 18^th is known as man day. What I did today makes up for every gay thing I have ever done. It makes up for my Lady Gaga phase, it makes up for the date I went on with Jaron Newman, it makes up for that time in high school that I went to a dance with a man. It makes up fr the blog I wrote, saying how I wish I were gay. It even makes up for the majority of encounters I had with my last roommate, Brian Pincock. Also, I get three brand new man cards.

The Man card is similar to the boy scout’s “totin’ chip”  a card that young boy scouts need to hold in order to carry a knife. When he breaks the rules of the knife, such as throwing the knife at trees, or stabbing someone. The scout loses a corner, lose four corners-lose the card. The Man card works similarly, except you lose corners when you do gay stuff, like wear a man thong, or sing all of the lyrics to a Ke$ha song. But, you lose the card forever the minute you kiss a dude, an act like that is inexcusable. I have never done that, for I am a manly man, after today, I may be the Manliest man, EVER, (exception, John Wayne, Danny Ocean, and Clint Eastwood)

Another Manly Man

Today, I changed a flat tire.

Let me set up the situation for you. I am currently working in Elko, Nevada. Actually about 100 miles outside of Elko, and 80 of those miles is a dirt road. The first ten miles of the road is your only cell phone service. Well I am 60 or seventy miles down the road when BOOM, blowout. Oh yeah, and it is 0 degrees outside, windy, snowing, and I am by myself on this empty dirt road. I am not wearing a winter coat, I am wearing a hoodie, sweats, and tennis shoes. It’s 8 AM, and I have only changed tires once in my life, and I have NEVER had to let down a spare tire. So in the spirit of Manhood, I braved it,  my nearly frostbitten hands wrapped up in rags I found in the car, using only my mind and my pride I CHANGED THAT TIRE! And I drove that car 100 miles to safety of a Les Schwab, where I got a new tire for free due to my stunning manliness (warranty).

So. I think I will finish off my day, with a steak, a cigar, maybe a little gambling BECAUSE DAMMIT! I AM A MAN!

I wrote that while I was in Les Schwab, right after that I went to the Gold Dust casino for some $7.77 prime rib, and I realized this.

I love Casinos, the atmosphere is exciting, the food is cheap and gambling is manly. I realized today that a gambling is a lot like expensive fishing.  I am walking out of the restaurant and through the casino. And a drunk man (see it’s already like fishing) comes up to me and asks how my day has been (a very fishing-like quality). Not realizing he was talking about my luck at the tables I said “really good.” He then proceeds to tell me how he was on his last dollar last night and he walked out with 300 dollars. How is that not the same as fishing? Clearly, like all fisherman, this guy was full of crap.

To be pleasant, I figured should tell him a nice whopper about how I won a hundred dollars from the slot machine last week at the Red Lion on a nickel.  I LOVE MANHOOD.