In the Spirit of Christmas (Lets Talk About Crappy Music)

Well, Christmas is over, and that means there is about to be a significantly less amount of crappy music... But that doesn't mean terrible music is gone, it is still abundant and plagues our airwaves. I want to talk about those songs. So here are what I have deemed as the worst songs of the last couple years.

Train, Hey Soul Sister

This song is tricky, it starts out with a cool, calm guitar playing a nice riff, I get excited every time I hear the beginning of this song.. and then the words start.

Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brain

That is just weird who, in their right mind, would say that!? It doesn't even make sense. But whatever, it could get better...

I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest.

This terribly written lyric reveals so much information. A man loves a girl, and has a hairy chest. There can't be more terrible lyrics than that, right?

I'm so gangster, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreamin' of.

Wrong. It's like every verse trys to be worse than the last, these lyrics are so bad they ruin the song.

War, Satan

I worship you, I obey you, I kill for you I die for youFather, Satan, take my soul Satan
Apart from just being straight evil, this encompasses all heavy metal music, its just so stereotypical, and sick. Why would someone want to worship Satan? Don't people know that they are going to BURN IN HELL!? Maybe it's just me, but that just isn't appealing.


America, Horse With no Name
There were plants, and birds, and rocks, and things.Every lyric in this entire song is terribly ridiculous. But let us move on to the worst chorus in music history.In the desert you can remember your name
'Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain Don't you hate it when there are a bunch of people for to give you pain? Not only does that suck way bad, but then you forget your name because of all the people for to give you pain, and it's just so hard.

Coldplay, Yellow*

I drew a line, I drew a line for you

Oh what a thing to do, and it was all yellow.

Apparently all it takes to charm Gwyneth Paltrow is to draw a nice yellow line... For those of you who don't know, Chris Martin, lead singer for Coldplay is married to the beautiful actress.

"Well, Zach" you are saying, "Mr. Martin may not write the best lyrics, but I'm sure he is a really good looking man, you would have to be to marry a girl like Gwyneth Paltrow"

Nope! Guess a yellow line is all it takes.

*I love this song. I love Coldplay, they are one of my top bands. I just hate a few of their lyrics.

Elton John, Your Song

If I was a sculptor, ha, but then again, no.

or a man who makes potions in the traveling show

It's a little bit funny, the feeling I got inside, it wasn't one of those I could easily hide when I realized that those two lines had absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the song, as much as I love this song, bad lyrics are bad lyrics, and if I am going to write whiney blogs about bad lyrics, I can't overlook even the best of the best.

Billy Joel, We Didn't Start the Fire

I'm not even going to write down the lyrics, because the whole song sucks. I can list off non-specific historical events in order, too. As you listen you think, "maybe he will tie it all together with a good chorus." He doesn't just starts singing about some fire, and how he didn't start it. It's a real crap song.

Finally.

Neil Diamond, I am, I said

I am, I said, to no one there.

and no one heard... not even the chair.

Generally speaking, Neil, chairs will not listen to what you say. They aren't ignoring you, they just don't listen. Whenever I try to speak to my Lay-Z boy it never listens to me either.

Maybe before we write this off as bad lyrics we should consider, maybe Neil has exceptionally intelligent furniture. Assuming he doesn't though, this is just a bad song.

I solve problems at USU. (and you can too!)

Disclaimer: I am not proud of my major, as one of the easiest majors in college I hate admitting that I am a business major. But I don't write this blog to talk about me! I want to complain about other people. Also, I know that stereotypes don't encompass everybody, I just use stereotypes to make jokes.

The country we live in has a lot of problems, debt, illegal immigration, unemployment rates, the healthcare system, we need some real reform, and I wish I could help, but I am useless.

There are things that I have a problem with and I also have a solution. I think we should abolish all of the majors that don't contribute anything to society. Thats right theatre majors, art majors, music majors, and  FCHD majors. It's time to get rid of these useless programs once and for all. I am going to go through this list, and tell you what we should do with each major.

Lets start with FCHD Majors

Okay, ladies, we all know you came to college to find a man, and we know that when you get married you are going to drop school like a dirty diaper and get away from any possibility of real work (except for motherhood, which I recognize is a ton of work).  I think that Utah State should get sponsored by Match.com and we get ourselves a Match.com Major. The sponsorship will decrease athletic fees by 50, and tuition by 100 dollars per person. I think that is a grand idea! You get to meet your husband at the social events that are thrown every week, and once my fees go down.

Theatre majors.

We can basically say that if you spend any amount of time in the Fine arts building you are wasting your money here at school. I think we have enough waiters in the United states. I quite like some of the productions that are put on here at USU, so we don't need to abolish this one, but we need to weed out the poor ones (lets face it, only rich theatre kids who's parents are loaded end up going anywhere). Lets decrease the fees of everyone who goes to school by five hundred dollars, and tack all of that onto the tuition of theatre majors. It should cost them 12 thousand dollars a semester to attend this school. We get fees because of these pretentious majors anyway (BLUE GOES GREEN! Do you think a business or political science major voted on that?! NO! a Theatre Major going "save the environment, save it!") My fees are even lower, I still get awesome productions, and these students can attend college. a win/win situation.

Art Majors

Three words, freakin. useless. major.  I couldn't think of one way to use this major to benefit us real students here at Utah State. So, we drop this major entirely out of our catalogue. Why do you want to be an art major!? you spend 4K a semester for four years just to end up on welfare for the rest of your life? Here is an idea, save your money, go work at McDonald's, in five years you could be a manager. You could also become an education major! Being a teacher here in Utah starts at about 30K a year, which is about 40K more than what a typical artist makes in a year. Then we would have more money in our welfare system.

Finally, Music Majors

I have to admit that I love a good piano song, so I think that this major valuable, but I never pay for my music, so I am no benefit to them, when they are a benefit to me. I apologize, I am jerk. Lets get rid of this major just because musicians that ever amount to anything are talented enough to do it without college. Then we can take everything out of the fine arts building and put in some new computer labs, and maybe open up a few more English 2010 classes. Because there are NOT enough!

Thank you.

Time Screws Up, AGAIN!

Time magazine has nominated, once again, the wrong person as person of the year. I know that I complained about the person of the year last year, but this year, instead of just complaining, I offer up a new person of the year as well.

Part 1 (I complain about the current person of the year)
Do you know who the person of the year is? It's the protester. Yeah, the people who have made all of the news in the last four months boring. They have won person of the year. The people who have been camping for six months, not going to work.
(This is a little off-subject, but it seems that if you are protesting you can get away with camping in really cool places for free. I think I'll protest the Grand Canyon this summer, just for a weekend. Then I'll protest Moab, The Grand Tetons, and Yellowstone. WHO'S WITH ME!?)
Lets talk about "the protester's" accomplishments:

....

Okay lets talk about "the protester's" lifestyle.
They like camping, music and smoking weed, I've read about protesters who are yoga instructors, art majors, theatre majors and music majors. All of the successful types... and each of them is the person of the year!

See, I'm serious, you'll be seeing this cover the next time you are at the supermarket

Part 2 (I tell you who should have been the person of the year)

Me.

Now this part may sound a little bit conceded, but heck! you'll agree with me after reading why I should be person of the year. In fact, there are so many reasons I can't list them all, but here are ten good reasons.

1. I do my own laundry (even buy my own detergent)
2. I can make fried chicken (like those black ladies in The Help)
3. I have lots of friends (Jaron, Mackenzie, Ian, Jill, Anna, Kenzie, Chandler, Rex, Harry Potter, Holden and LOTS more, so many, in fact that I can't even think of any more!)
4. In high school, I kind of played football. (I didn't make the team that went 2 and 8)
5. I may be a little racist, but I still enjoy a good story where minorities triumph (Remember the Titans, The Help)
6. I can eat a whole box of donuts in 6 minutes
7. I have a friend named Katie who is getting married
8. I can bench press 90 pounds
9. I have kissed 18 girls on the LIPS (2 of them didn't slap me)
10. I am a fat, white, male, American. (and that's something special)

So if you agree, write Time magazine at:

Person of the Year
Time Inc.
1271 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020.

The aforementioned is the real address, but since anyone who reads my blog doesn't comment to tell me how they felt about it, even though they can comment anonymously... I don't expect Time will be hearing JACK from any of my "friends."

Thank you.

Legitimate Whine

It has been too long since my last good, solid, respectable whine, and it is about time I just poured out all of my complaints onto this blog. It’s called the whine post for Pete’s sake! That’s why my (2) readers read my blog.

I’m starting to think that good roommates are rare, I had four fantastic ones last year. And one annoying, anyone who takes the time or cares enough to read my blogs knows me well enough to know that my last roommates was one of the worst people I have ever met.  But they may not know about the new one. I hate this guy so much I am blogging about it. Because I only blog about the things I hate so much.  

“Why does Zach hate this guy so much?” You are asking, because you care about me and want to know what my problem is. Lets start with how he thinks that the living room isn’t a place to hang out. He thinks that inviting a girl into OUR room and sitting on his bed with her is appropriate, he does it almost every night, a different girl, always just a friend, and he sits and has these personal, dramatic conversations with her.  Now it is awkward for me to go into my own room. Last night I went into my room and he was sitting on the bed singing to the girl in there. I just walked in, took off my shirt, and got into my bed, and he still stayed in there until 2:30 in the morning. WHEN THE LIVING ROOM WAS FREAKIN EMPTY!  Now that you hate him too, here are the other reasons he is gross.

Listening to him is like listening to a soap opera, he has to be the most dramatic person I know.

He wears Make up, eyeliner, base, eye shadow, mascara. He is a weirdo!

He wears high heels. (he puts them in his boots so that people don’t know, be he is still wearing high heels.

I hate him so much,

Thanks for listening to my legitimate whine.

Zach Wilson