How to Be Fat

It's October, and I have some terrible news for you, you are going to get fat.  Now as a renowned fat guy I can say this, but anyone should be able to say this because it's true. The truth is, you are already getting fat. School has started, you don't have time to work out, you hardly have time for both homework AND Facebook. The combination of tons of sitting around and eating is doing it. Plus, Halloween is coming up, followed by Thanksgiving and Christmas, thats gonna start to weigh on you (pun intended). So lets face it, you're getting fat, if you don't believe me, go weigh yourself (unless you want to keep your self esteem, then just tell yourself you'll do it later). Right now you're thinking; "lets get to the point, you have torn my self esteem up enough." Well, thats alright, because I'm gonna help you build it back up. I'm going to teach you how to be fat.

Zach Wilson's Fat Guide.

Know your weight limits.
The worst thing that can happen is you getting stuck somewhere that you used to fit, whether that is climbing out a window, getting on a ride at an amusement park, or sitting in the middle seat of a car. This is not only humiliating because you are stuck, but it's something that you are going to need to ask help with, and that is something you just don't want to do, because then other people are going to realize that you are getting fat.

Wear a belt
Butt crack is an embarrassing thing to have hanging out, because butt crack is gross, even on the most attractive of women, butt crack is disgusting. Since you are now fat, it is bound to be exposed at some point. The belt is NOT foolproof though, you still are going to have butt crack, just less of it, so the next time you drop your keys, just try to put your back end facing a wall, then nobody should see. Make sure to be conscious of it, because you are fat, and that is something to worry about.

Buy a Fan
Here is an investment all fat people should make, its relaxing at night, the calming sound soothes you as you go to sleep. Also it will keep you from waking up in a puddle of sweat. Here is how that feels, your butt cheeks are cold and wet right when you wake up, you don't know how to feel, at first you think "why is my butt wet?" then you realize you're sweating like a thirteen year old in Victoria's Secret. And that sweat  has puddled right where you are the fattest (just so you know, your butt is getting fat, I have no recommendations for that because I don't have a butt)

New clothes
There are two ways to dress now that you are fat, you can dress down, or you can dress up, is no middle, you think you can wear your tee shirts any more? Nope. Not unless they go under your sweatshirt, which has a sports team on it. Otherwise you will look like you aren't athletic, because athletic people wear stuff that has names of teams on it, and even though you are fat, you think people will think you are athletic, because your shirt says NBA on it.
Dressing up is the better way to be fat, wear a button up shirt and nice jeans or khaki pants. It is a way to acknowledge that you're fat, but also have some dignity about it. A polo shirt looks nice too. There is just one rule: NEVER wear a shirt with horizontal lines, because it makes you look wider, and I promise you don't need that.

Photos
Try to avoid, at all costs being photographed, the last thing you need right now is someone tagging you in some picture that makes you realize that your second chin is WAY more noticeable than you thought.

Keep your head up
Just so you know, your second chin is way more noticeable than you think.

These are just the need to know things, and you might want to bookmark this page for the future, because it's all downhill after halloween. Also, your face is about to get pasty white and disgusting, enjoy your next three months!