I'll start this poem with the story that inspired it. Reader's Digest version, true story. my Great-Grandma left my Great-Grandpa for another man, so my Great Grandpa decided he would marry a woman so ugly that no man would take her from him. He did that, and she was a very ugly woman, but she took care of him, she loved him, she smoked and cussed and worked dirty jobs. She was virtually a man.
My girl just left me for another man,
And I will never again hold her hand
I loved my girl. I loved her so.
But she decided to up and go.
Now I have got a new idea
I'll get a wife that won't leave me-a
She'll be so ugly. no man will take her
And I will never, ever forsake her
She will be gross and so very fat
She will have buck teeth like a rat
She will drink, and cuss and smoke
She'll be the perfect girl for this ugly bloke
She will have eternal body odor
Too fat to walk, she needs a chair with a motor
She won't be all clean-shaven and gaudy
Because she can't reach all of the parts of her body.
She will never, ever leave me
Because no man will take her, You better believe me.
And when she's with me I'm the boss
And if she leaves me, it's nobody's loss
So there she is, she is my dream girl
And I am sure she will make you hurl
If by chance she's a girl that another man will take
At least I won't feel any heartbreak.
4.06.2011
3.28.2011
Ode to Meat
The world called Earth is a horrible place
Wars, famine and thieves fill this wondrous space
Living on earth is almost unbearable
Only one thing could make it more terrible
It’s awful to wake myself up in the morning
and drag myself to a class that’s incredibly boring
I hate the sound of my ringing alarm clock
There is so much in the world to hate and mock
But there is one thing that is truly great
And it carries with it a wonderful trait
It’s chewy, and tough and a wonderful treat
What would life be like, If I didn’t have meat
So this ode is to the food that keeps me alive
If I were a hippie, how would I survive?
Eating tofu, twigs, leaves, and fruit
Life would suck, and I’d be a tree hugger to boot
It’s not like we are a society of agrarians
So why the hell would you be a vegetarian
Cows are ugly and chickens are dumb
So who would chose to live life in a meatless slum?
I feel the need to be honest, and not at all vague
I wouldn’t care if all animals died of the plague
As long as pigs, chickens, and cows remain
Seafood as well, fish and shrimp bring me gain
This poem is for hippies, I’m not gonna lie
I’ll be eating meat ‘till the day that I die
So don’t say “save the animals” to me
Just go smoke weed and live in a tree
2.25.2011
The Classiest Man of All
I realized there is a reason I don't have a girlfriend, I'm just not classy enough. You see, a classy man buys a flower shop out of flowers and sends them to his girlfriend? Now who is the man I want to be? Well let me describe him to you, he is short, shorter than his girlfriend, he is very attractive and is younger than his girlfriend, and he has a singing voice that sounds like cream and sugar. Yes, my idol is Justin Bieber.
Justin "the Biebster" Bieber pulled an undisclosed amount of cash (I assume at least several thousand dollars) and bought every single flower in a flower shop for his girlfriend- Selena Gomez. What is classier than this kind act of love?
Justin could have paid for a poor child's college tuition, but NO! HIS GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A HOUSE FULL OF FLOWERS!!! Who cares who is going hungry in Africa? Selena Gomez deserves that... so props to the Bieb.
I found something classier, Justin is so sweet that he even donates to charity? Donating money to charity, thats sort of classy, but donating a small lock of your hair (roughly fifty pieces) to charity, that is incredible. I'm not kidding, each lock of hair is auctioned off for seven thousand dollars. What world do we live in? There are riots in Egypt, but I honestly think that Selena deserves the best man in the world and
To my male readership, feast your eyes upon the sexiest girl that Disney Channel has ever produced
(disclaimer- I do not view Ms. Gomez as a piece of meat, but as an incredibly talented singer, who is very beautiful)
(I-claimer- Selena Gomez)
An open letter to Justin Beiber
Justin "the Biebster" Bieber pulled an undisclosed amount of cash (I assume at least several thousand dollars) and bought every single flower in a flower shop for his girlfriend- Selena Gomez. What is classier than this kind act of love?
Justin could have paid for a poor child's college tuition, but NO! HIS GIRLFRIEND NEEDS A HOUSE FULL OF FLOWERS!!! Who cares who is going hungry in Africa? Selena Gomez deserves that... so props to the Bieb.
I found something classier, Justin is so sweet that he even donates to charity? Donating money to charity, thats sort of classy, but donating a small lock of your hair (roughly fifty pieces) to charity, that is incredible. I'm not kidding, each lock of hair is auctioned off for seven thousand dollars. What world do we live in? There are riots in Egypt, but I honestly think that Selena deserves the best man in the world and
To my male readership, feast your eyes upon the sexiest girl that Disney Channel has ever produced
(disclaimer- I do not view Ms. Gomez as a piece of meat, but as an incredibly talented singer, who is very beautiful)
(I-claimer- Selena Gomez)
 |
| She is Eighteen, I'm not a pedophile |
Justin.
Respect to you, you're canadian, so am I. Also, you have many female admirers, I want female admirers. You have the girl I always dreamed of, she deserves the best of the best. You are good to her and she deserves a boy who is rich, and talented. If I hear you lay one finger on her in a way that she finds disrespectful (and I have credible sources TMZ, ET, The E! Channel). I will march my self to your next concert and hit you, hard. Then I will take her from you. She is destined to be mine.
With Jealousy
-Zach Wilson
2.22.2011
The End of an Era
This post is straight up dedicated to Jill Robinson.
This post will probably reduce my readership by about 75 percent, because girls are the only ones kind enough to read my blog. So here's to you, Ms. Robinson.
I've decided to stop reading the news, it's depressing and I'm getting sick of being sad all of the time. But Yesterday I read news that didn't just make me sad, it made me sick. Now to my male readership, this is bad news for you, bad, horrible, terrible, news that shouldn't be read. But you have to read on, for there is no other way for me to break this to you. The Cleveland Indians have hired a woman pitcher. Guys, this hurts me worse than it hurts you, I had to break it to you and there was just no other way to do it.
A woman in the MLB? really? Women take everything manly and just rip the balls off of it, and it hurts, it started with voting, then driving, then you all thought it would be a good idea to go to college and get full time jobs. What's next? A woman pimp? Did we do something to you ladies that made you think you had to take our livelihood away? Do we threaten you? Are you jealous of our rugged muscles? Facial hair? Our tough can-do attitude? Do yo wish you could pee standing up? Why do you want to be men so badly? Can't you just be happy having babies and raising them?
To help my suffering self esteem, I want to reflect upon a time women couldn't vote or have any job other than babysitter, AND THEY BABYSAT FOR FREE. I want to remember a time where men worked and came home with dinner ready and the kids asleep, and then his woman would massage his shoulders. Women had no political sway and feminism was just a thing of mockery. Women didn't drive and Susan B. Anthony was the butt of any good joke. These feminists/lesbians (they're really the same thing) have screwed up society as a whole.
Not all women are bad, my best friend is a female, and is pretty dope but even still, when a woman is at college and she is majoring in anything besides education, or something artsy, she probably isn't a real woman. With the exception of Mrs. Huxtable, female lawyers and politicians? LESBIAN. (Have you ever seen Hillary Clinton?)
*this post is entirely for fun, please take no offense to it. I respect all girls and there are a few of them who I love dearly, but it's probably just because I know that they aren't going to end up ruining a professional sport.
This post will probably reduce my readership by about 75 percent, because girls are the only ones kind enough to read my blog. So here's to you, Ms. Robinson.
I've decided to stop reading the news, it's depressing and I'm getting sick of being sad all of the time. But Yesterday I read news that didn't just make me sad, it made me sick. Now to my male readership, this is bad news for you, bad, horrible, terrible, news that shouldn't be read. But you have to read on, for there is no other way for me to break this to you. The Cleveland Indians have hired a woman pitcher. Guys, this hurts me worse than it hurts you, I had to break it to you and there was just no other way to do it.
A woman in the MLB? really? Women take everything manly and just rip the balls off of it, and it hurts, it started with voting, then driving, then you all thought it would be a good idea to go to college and get full time jobs. What's next? A woman pimp? Did we do something to you ladies that made you think you had to take our livelihood away? Do we threaten you? Are you jealous of our rugged muscles? Facial hair? Our tough can-do attitude? Do yo wish you could pee standing up? Why do you want to be men so badly? Can't you just be happy having babies and raising them?
To help my suffering self esteem, I want to reflect upon a time women couldn't vote or have any job other than babysitter, AND THEY BABYSAT FOR FREE. I want to remember a time where men worked and came home with dinner ready and the kids asleep, and then his woman would massage his shoulders. Women had no political sway and feminism was just a thing of mockery. Women didn't drive and Susan B. Anthony was the butt of any good joke. These feminists/lesbians (they're really the same thing) have screwed up society as a whole.
Not all women are bad, my best friend is a female, and is pretty dope but even still, when a woman is at college and she is majoring in anything besides education, or something artsy, she probably isn't a real woman. With the exception of Mrs. Huxtable, female lawyers and politicians? LESBIAN. (Have you ever seen Hillary Clinton?)
*this post is entirely for fun, please take no offense to it. I respect all girls and there are a few of them who I love dearly, but it's probably just because I know that they aren't going to end up ruining a professional sport.
2.12.2011
Mormons, Eighth Graders of Religion
Utah, known for skiing, mountains, and Mormons. The Mormons are the issue right now though, because skiing and mountains can't really be a problem, but the blatant ignorance of a Utah Mormon is profound. I'll start with the following statement that I heard recently, and it was spoken with such conviction that it would be hard to deny: "Steve Martin is a Mormon." I've heard this statement before but the name Steve Martin was replaced with Cristina Aguilera, Brittany Spears, Harry Potter, Lady Gaga, etc. people are telling me that certain famous people are Mormon all of the time. Is it just me?
This feels like a Napoleon Complex type of thing, where since we are a small awkward religion, we have to show off and tell everybody lies so that everybody thinks we are cool. Mormons are like that loser in middle school that just made stuff up so that he would get friends. Remember? He was the one who had a pet iguana and he told you how his parents would let him swear all the time at home. Then you went to his birthday party and he told you his iguana just died and he claimed he never told you he was allowed to swear. That's who we are, when someone with some sense calls us out "Steve Jobs is not a Mormon." Then we say "Oh, yeah your right, I was thinking someone else" just so we don't get caught in our lies. Mormons, the eighth graders of the religious world.
This feels like a Napoleon Complex type of thing, where since we are a small awkward religion, we have to show off and tell everybody lies so that everybody thinks we are cool. Mormons are like that loser in middle school that just made stuff up so that he would get friends. Remember? He was the one who had a pet iguana and he told you how his parents would let him swear all the time at home. Then you went to his birthday party and he told you his iguana just died and he claimed he never told you he was allowed to swear. That's who we are, when someone with some sense calls us out "Steve Jobs is not a Mormon." Then we say "Oh, yeah your right, I was thinking someone else" just so we don't get caught in our lies. Mormons, the eighth graders of the religious world.
2.04.2011
To All Seniors - Bite me.
A common tradition since the dawn of college has been seniors disrespecting freshman for their blatant immaturity and easy classes. And a lot of freshmen have been pointing their middle fingers to these upperclassmen (these people need to buck up). To boost morale I decided to address this issue.
1. We are immature, and we can be. This is an incredible plus for us, if we are going to be referred to as "those immature freshman." We might as well live up to our potential, and there are many ways we can do this.
I think I will start putting graffiti all over in the bathroom stall (starting with offensive pictures, swastikas. etc and then moving on to vulgarities) , followed by skipping class as often as possible and getting the notes from my friends. There is also a building on campus called the Biology and Natural Resources (for short it is known as the B-N-R) I'm going to call that the "boner."
Also, I'm going to stay up until 4 or 5 A.M., being loud and obnoxious, playing my music loud for all to hear and keeping everybody awake. Maybe I'll pick up drinking too, it would make me really cool and likable.
2. Yeah we have easy classes! and we are proud of it. We don't have to worry about a family until later, our hardest jobs right now include flipping burgers, or doing nothing. This is the time of our lives. So to all of the seniors who have the time to insult us, maybe you should get some more meaningful jobs, girlfriends, and find something a little more important to pick on.
3. It is acceptable for us all to gain fifteen pounds our freshman year. My personal goal, gain twenty, if not thirty pounds. I figure the fatter the man, the greater he is. If you are a cute girl and you know a chubby guy that doesn't have a girlfriend, just date him, for he is desperate and lonely, today he made a match.com profile for a two week trial and was matched up with over one hundred girls (one was actually cute). I digress.
There are some people I would like to address though, the eight men that stand in the front row behind the basket at the Utah State University, this includes the famous "Wild Bill" and his cronies.
You guys act like high school seniors, the world does not revolve around you. Wild Bill, man, you are almost thirty years old, I remember when my parents were thirty, and believe me, they did not ever think about dressing up as Barney and lead the student section in a chorus of "I'm a little teapot." Sorry, even though the media makes you out to be the hero of USU, my friend, your time is up, hopefully.
1. We are immature, and we can be. This is an incredible plus for us, if we are going to be referred to as "those immature freshman." We might as well live up to our potential, and there are many ways we can do this.
I think I will start putting graffiti all over in the bathroom stall (starting with offensive pictures, swastikas. etc and then moving on to vulgarities) , followed by skipping class as often as possible and getting the notes from my friends. There is also a building on campus called the Biology and Natural Resources (for short it is known as the B-N-R) I'm going to call that the "boner."
Also, I'm going to stay up until 4 or 5 A.M., being loud and obnoxious, playing my music loud for all to hear and keeping everybody awake. Maybe I'll pick up drinking too, it would make me really cool and likable.
2. Yeah we have easy classes! and we are proud of it. We don't have to worry about a family until later, our hardest jobs right now include flipping burgers, or doing nothing. This is the time of our lives. So to all of the seniors who have the time to insult us, maybe you should get some more meaningful jobs, girlfriends, and find something a little more important to pick on.
3. It is acceptable for us all to gain fifteen pounds our freshman year. My personal goal, gain twenty, if not thirty pounds. I figure the fatter the man, the greater he is. If you are a cute girl and you know a chubby guy that doesn't have a girlfriend, just date him, for he is desperate and lonely, today he made a match.com profile for a two week trial and was matched up with over one hundred girls (one was actually cute). I digress.
There are some people I would like to address though, the eight men that stand in the front row behind the basket at the Utah State University, this includes the famous "Wild Bill" and his cronies.
You guys act like high school seniors, the world does not revolve around you. Wild Bill, man, you are almost thirty years old, I remember when my parents were thirty, and believe me, they did not ever think about dressing up as Barney and lead the student section in a chorus of "I'm a little teapot." Sorry, even though the media makes you out to be the hero of USU, my friend, your time is up, hopefully.
2.01.2011
Gordon Leibovitz
I wrote this poem in stake conference and I thought I might share it with people who share the same affinity for poetry that I have. I apologize for it's slightly racist undertone, I hope all that read this that they realize it is solely for laughs. The penny pincher thing I understand is just a stereotype about Jews, also I trust Jews and respect the hard work ethic stereotype they have. Jewish humor is also rather funny. I read it again for while sitting on a bus a while ago... Then I decided it was post worthy.
Long ago in a small town of few
Lived a curly headed Jew
He pinched his pennies.
He saved so well
He condemned everybody to hell.
He was a mean, nasty Jew
In that small town of few
And he never would share his money
He always yelled, and screamed and kicked
And didn't think anything was funny
He yelled at the boy scouts across the street
He yelled at the girl scouts selling cookies to eat
And he never ever smiled.
One day a girl, she came to his door.
And he yelled at her. "get off my floor!"
She was sad and she cried,
she didn't seem so bad
Her crying made the Jew feel very sad.
The Jew thought of the one thing he could do.
The one thing that made him happy was money
So he reached in his pocket and pulled out a penny and said
"it's the least I could give to you honey"
The girl looked at him and smiled so bright
Shed never had so much In possession
And in that moment that girl realized
That money was her obsession.
She asked the Jew, what's your name?
And he spoke with dignity
My name is "Gordon Leibovitz the third"
It was the name my father gave me
The girl exclaimed loudly, "that's my name too!"
Except she was the fourth.
Gordon Leibovitz had a daughter,
Because they were separated at birth.
Gordon was no longer happy,
He had a daughter
She was going to cost him some dough
So he yelled at the girl and told her to leave
And he kicked her out into the snow.
The Girl Gordon Leibovitz, she stood up proudly still,
She said "I've searched for twelve long years and finally found my father."
So she snuck inside and stole his wallet, and left without a bother
So listen to the lesson this story has taught you.
That family means everything
And never trust a Jew.
Long ago in a small town of few
Lived a curly headed Jew
He pinched his pennies.
He saved so well
He condemned everybody to hell.
He was a mean, nasty Jew
In that small town of few
And he never would share his money
He always yelled, and screamed and kicked
And didn't think anything was funny
He yelled at the boy scouts across the street
He yelled at the girl scouts selling cookies to eat
And he never ever smiled.
One day a girl, she came to his door.
And he yelled at her. "get off my floor!"
She was sad and she cried,
she didn't seem so bad
Her crying made the Jew feel very sad.
The Jew thought of the one thing he could do.
The one thing that made him happy was money
So he reached in his pocket and pulled out a penny and said
"it's the least I could give to you honey"
The girl looked at him and smiled so bright
Shed never had so much In possession
And in that moment that girl realized
That money was her obsession.
She asked the Jew, what's your name?
And he spoke with dignity
My name is "Gordon Leibovitz the third"
It was the name my father gave me
The girl exclaimed loudly, "that's my name too!"
Except she was the fourth.
Gordon Leibovitz had a daughter,
Because they were separated at birth.
Gordon was no longer happy,
He had a daughter
She was going to cost him some dough
So he yelled at the girl and told her to leave
And he kicked her out into the snow.
The Girl Gordon Leibovitz, she stood up proudly still,
She said "I've searched for twelve long years and finally found my father."
So she snuck inside and stole his wallet, and left without a bother
So listen to the lesson this story has taught you.
That family means everything
And never trust a Jew.
1.28.2011
Whaf This!
Lately I've been reading about "whaffing" technology, this has to be the saddest, laziest most retarded thing I've ever heard of, but according to it's inventor, Dr. David Edwards from Harvard, this is the food of the future.
Here is a brief explanation of what the Whaf machine does, you take any liquid, or certain special kinds of food, and stick them in this cute little machine that looks like a goldfish bowl on top of a box, and the box whirs around and turns your food into smoke that you inhale. So you inhale your lunch and it tastes the same as if you were actually eating it. Who is this guy Willy Wonka?
AMERICA! what is your problem? People wonder why there is an obesity epidemic? We wouldn't want to waste those precious calories chewing, would we? The only reason this was invented was because DOCTOR EDWARDS, was sick and tired of wasting calories every time he tried to chew his steak, and since his wife wouldn't move his jaw for him any more, he got off the couch to go invent something that would make it so he never had to chew again.
According to its reviews the Whaf Machine actually has a very accurate taste, the people that have tested it say that this machine is very good at catching all of the different flavors even in complex foods such as lemon tarts, or tomato soup. so flavor may not be an issue, but texture HAS to be a problem, one of the reasons I eat is for the texture. And who is getting full drinking this air? Would the smell perforate the house any worse than it usually does? When I fry up onions to go with dinner it stinks up my entire house, the clothes I'm wearing, and my roommates get mad, how mad would they be if I was making onion flavored air?
Enough about that, here is a list of things that I would not want to Whaf.
1. Steak
2. Shrimp
3. Fried Chicken
4. Breadsticks
5. Anything from McDonald's
6. Anything from Panda Express
7. Meatloaf
8. Tuna Fish
9.Philly Cheese Steak
10. Pretty much any food.
Here are some things that sound very whaffable
1. Waffles (get it, whaffing waffles? That sounds like something you would hear on Scooby Doo. "Whaffing waffles, Velma! It was old man Jenkins the whole time!")
2. Ice cream
3. Hot chocolate
4. Caramel Symphony bar
5. Vanilla hot chocolate
You see? The list is short because whaffing sounds absolutely disgusting. This has to be the dumbest idea since the huge fan on ceiling in the room for Fizzy Lifting Drinks.
Here is a brief explanation of what the Whaf machine does, you take any liquid, or certain special kinds of food, and stick them in this cute little machine that looks like a goldfish bowl on top of a box, and the box whirs around and turns your food into smoke that you inhale. So you inhale your lunch and it tastes the same as if you were actually eating it. Who is this guy Willy Wonka?
AMERICA! what is your problem? People wonder why there is an obesity epidemic? We wouldn't want to waste those precious calories chewing, would we? The only reason this was invented was because DOCTOR EDWARDS, was sick and tired of wasting calories every time he tried to chew his steak, and since his wife wouldn't move his jaw for him any more, he got off the couch to go invent something that would make it so he never had to chew again.
According to its reviews the Whaf Machine actually has a very accurate taste, the people that have tested it say that this machine is very good at catching all of the different flavors even in complex foods such as lemon tarts, or tomato soup. so flavor may not be an issue, but texture HAS to be a problem, one of the reasons I eat is for the texture. And who is getting full drinking this air? Would the smell perforate the house any worse than it usually does? When I fry up onions to go with dinner it stinks up my entire house, the clothes I'm wearing, and my roommates get mad, how mad would they be if I was making onion flavored air?
Enough about that, here is a list of things that I would not want to Whaf.
1. Steak
2. Shrimp
3. Fried Chicken
4. Breadsticks
5. Anything from McDonald's
6. Anything from Panda Express
7. Meatloaf
8. Tuna Fish
9.Philly Cheese Steak
10. Pretty much any food.
Here are some things that sound very whaffable
1. Waffles (get it, whaffing waffles? That sounds like something you would hear on Scooby Doo. "Whaffing waffles, Velma! It was old man Jenkins the whole time!")
2. Ice cream
3. Hot chocolate
4. Caramel Symphony bar
5. Vanilla hot chocolate
You see? The list is short because whaffing sounds absolutely disgusting. This has to be the dumbest idea since the huge fan on ceiling in the room for Fizzy Lifting Drinks.
1.21.2011
Strange Benefits
I'm a straight man, and I have strong feelings for girls, I'm trying to say that I like girls, and have no feelings whatsoever for men. I don't even know how girls can like men, but they do and it's something I'm grateful for. Girls are very attractive and appealing, while men are not. The purpose of this post is not for me to prove that I am not gay, because no matter what you think, I am not gay.
There might be benefits to being a gay man though, specifically, in the world of relationships.
1. Get some honesty. Your partner is honest with you, if there is something going on he will tell you. This is a concept that apparently only guys can grasp, just saying what you think. Here is an example
Man to Girlfriend: "Does it bother you when I hang out with other girls when you aren't there? Because if it does I can stop"
Girl: "No, its fine"
Man: "Are you sure?"
Girl: "Yep. It's okay."
Girl to Girl: "I can't believe he has to ask me that question! Of course I hate it when he is with other girls! If they are better than me, why doesn't he just date them?!"
Here is the gay version of the previous conversation
Man to "Partner": "Do you hate it when I hang out with other guys and you aren't there?"
Partner: "yes"
Man: "Okay, I'll stop"
Did you see how easy that was? unbelievably easy!
2. Settling fights are easier than ever when you're gay! When in a fight with a girl, you call her- she doesn't answer. Leave a message, send a text, and nothing, she doesn't respond because she is mad at you (My theoretical input: I think girls stay "mad" so long because they love the attention, they love that you have sent them fifty texts, and they feel cared about). This girl's going to be mad at you until she feels like you have thought about only her for a week, and depending on how insecure she is, she could be mad at you for a month.
Here is what a gay fight would be like: "Dude, you're being dumb" PUNCH. PUNCH. Now everybody is happy in a loving relationship, nobody feels bad, it's like the fight never happened.
3. He doesn't care about what you look like. When you're in a relationship with a girl, you will, no doubt hear "You're wearing that?." The appropriate response is "No, I just thought I would wear these jeans until you picked out the jeans you bought me for Christmas." You're thinking "What is wrong with this? Its a nice hoodie, I look casual, but not terrible." Your girlfriend disagrees.
Here is the gay version. "Dude, we're going to see Sound of Music, put some clothes on."
"Can I just wear these basketball shorts with this sweatshirt?"
"I think it's a little more formal than that"
"Alright, I'll put a tie on"
4. Never hear obnoxious screams. You live with a woman when suddenly, you hear the loudest, high pitched, awful scream. You panic, nearly call the police but first you decide to go see what's going on. Then you realize that the thing that almost killed her was a spider, on the wall, across the room. She is frozen in her footsteps by a common house spider.
Here is the gay version. you partner sees a spider, STOMP, FLUSH, DONE.
5. Never get divorced. You're infidelity is hardly looked at as severe when you aren't married. Sure it might end the relationship with your partner, but the whole "Who gets the house?" question doesn't come into effect, you don't have kids, so whoever paid for the house gets it, the other guy moves out.
The gay life seems so easy, why was I cursed with straight feelings? Life would be so much easier if I were gay.
I am not anti-gay. Please take no offense to this article if you are gay.
There might be benefits to being a gay man though, specifically, in the world of relationships.
1. Get some honesty. Your partner is honest with you, if there is something going on he will tell you. This is a concept that apparently only guys can grasp, just saying what you think. Here is an example
Man to Girlfriend: "Does it bother you when I hang out with other girls when you aren't there? Because if it does I can stop"
Girl: "No, its fine"
Man: "Are you sure?"
Girl: "Yep. It's okay."
Girl to Girl: "I can't believe he has to ask me that question! Of course I hate it when he is with other girls! If they are better than me, why doesn't he just date them?!"
Here is the gay version of the previous conversation
Man to "Partner": "Do you hate it when I hang out with other guys and you aren't there?"
Partner: "yes"
Man: "Okay, I'll stop"
Did you see how easy that was? unbelievably easy!
2. Settling fights are easier than ever when you're gay! When in a fight with a girl, you call her- she doesn't answer. Leave a message, send a text, and nothing, she doesn't respond because she is mad at you (My theoretical input: I think girls stay "mad" so long because they love the attention, they love that you have sent them fifty texts, and they feel cared about). This girl's going to be mad at you until she feels like you have thought about only her for a week, and depending on how insecure she is, she could be mad at you for a month.
Here is what a gay fight would be like: "Dude, you're being dumb" PUNCH. PUNCH. Now everybody is happy in a loving relationship, nobody feels bad, it's like the fight never happened.
3. He doesn't care about what you look like. When you're in a relationship with a girl, you will, no doubt hear "You're wearing that?." The appropriate response is "No, I just thought I would wear these jeans until you picked out the jeans you bought me for Christmas." You're thinking "What is wrong with this? Its a nice hoodie, I look casual, but not terrible." Your girlfriend disagrees.
Here is the gay version. "Dude, we're going to see Sound of Music, put some clothes on."
"Can I just wear these basketball shorts with this sweatshirt?"
"I think it's a little more formal than that"
"Alright, I'll put a tie on"
 |
| The Tie and Hoodie Combo, no woman stopped this man. |
Here is the gay version. you partner sees a spider, STOMP, FLUSH, DONE.
5. Never get divorced. You're infidelity is hardly looked at as severe when you aren't married. Sure it might end the relationship with your partner, but the whole "Who gets the house?" question doesn't come into effect, you don't have kids, so whoever paid for the house gets it, the other guy moves out.
The gay life seems so easy, why was I cursed with straight feelings? Life would be so much easier if I were gay.
I am not anti-gay. Please take no offense to this article if you are gay.
1.14.2011
Person of the Year*
Time Magazine has named officially their person of the year. I always get excited to find out who it will be. I think to myself "who is it going to be?" Is going to be Mir-Hossein Mousavi? The great new president of Iran that promises to bring democracy to the war-torn country? Will it be Dr. Kiran Shaw? The woman who donates nearly two million dollars a year from her own earnings to one hundred thousand Indian children for their health insurance? Or how about Valentin Abe? He's a Hatian-born man whose goal is to give Hatians jobs. I was so excited for the "Person of the Year" issue to come out, because then we can recognize people that do great things for society.
Aparrently Time Magazine doesn't agree with me on this, becasue they gave the great honor of "Person of the Year" to Mark Zuckerberg. Not to a man who has helped and infuenced hunderds of people, but to the man who has created the greatest thing since penicillin. Here is what facebook has done to the United States of America.
1. Facebook keeps us on the internet. Facebook started when hundreds of thousands of college students got addicted to a website that keeps them from writing papers, studying for tests, or doing anything effective on the internet in general. This isn't completely terrible- these students could be getting addicted to other things (Meth). But at least if they were on meth, they would be able to use the internet for something a little more noteworthy.
2. Facebook makes us lie to each other and to ourselves. You don't believe me? have you ever thought or said the words "I don't love Facebook?" Well you lied, I use Facebook, and as a seasoned Facebook user I know for a fact: everybody that uses Facebook, ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT! For no reason, its like you can't get bored on the internet site of wonders. Do you have a hot friend? Show her to your roommates! Did you ever wonder what happened to your friend in third grade that moved to England because her dad worked for the military? Look at her pictures! Do you want the guy your best friend is dating to not come up for the three day weekend so that you can hang out with her? Send him a personal, anonymous message without ever becoming friends with him, and do it via Facebook.
3. Nobody is depressed anymore. This is just a hypothesis, but I bet that the suicide rate has decreased considerably since Facebook came about. When your feeling down, just look at the 900 friends that said yes to your requests, and realize that you are a popular person (sure, you actually requested 1800 friends, but half is good, right?). Or if your feeling really down write a nice compliment on a hot girl's wall and then wait for a polite comment response to the post and convince yourself that she responded to the post because she cares about you. It's still kind of hard not to be depressed though when your close and extended family make up half of your Facebook friends.
4. Appear like you are doing good things. When you have family members on Facebook (ranging from brother to grandmother) you can write your statuses in a way that will impress them, and your real friends know what you really did that day. (i.e. Thomas Sanderson had a great time talking his amazing girlfriend Jenna Lee Abbot* last night) your mother see's that and can know that you and Jenna are waiting for marriage and obeying the law of chastity, also she sees that you aren't doing anything but just conversing with the girl you love. When really you were talking to her on the phone and she was trying to break up with you because for the third night in a row you got hammered, but you used your charm to keep the love alive, then, using Facebook, you charmed the girl a little more.
*Tagged: Jenna Lee Abbot
5. Your friends can help you come out of the closet you didn't even know you were in. With an addiction like Facebook, even when you are with friends you cant help but get on. So, using their laptop you check your notifications, say yes to fifteen friend requests and then look at that hot girl in your math class's pictures. Then you close their laptop (with your Facebook still open) and go hang out. Before you know it you will be seeing ads on the side of your screen exclaiming that there is a great place online to meet gay men near you. It will take you a few weeks before you realize that your friend changed your "interested in" to Men.
I just want to spend my last few words thanking Mark Zuckerberg for is great contributions to the world, I want Mark to know that he's the reason that I will never get a paper written until the night before its due.
*Tagged: Nobody important
Aparrently Time Magazine doesn't agree with me on this, becasue they gave the great honor of "Person of the Year" to Mark Zuckerberg. Not to a man who has helped and infuenced hunderds of people, but to the man who has created the greatest thing since penicillin. Here is what facebook has done to the United States of America.
1. Facebook keeps us on the internet. Facebook started when hundreds of thousands of college students got addicted to a website that keeps them from writing papers, studying for tests, or doing anything effective on the internet in general. This isn't completely terrible- these students could be getting addicted to other things (Meth). But at least if they were on meth, they would be able to use the internet for something a little more noteworthy.
2. Facebook makes us lie to each other and to ourselves. You don't believe me? have you ever thought or said the words "I don't love Facebook?" Well you lied, I use Facebook, and as a seasoned Facebook user I know for a fact: everybody that uses Facebook, ABSOLUTELY LOVES IT! For no reason, its like you can't get bored on the internet site of wonders. Do you have a hot friend? Show her to your roommates! Did you ever wonder what happened to your friend in third grade that moved to England because her dad worked for the military? Look at her pictures! Do you want the guy your best friend is dating to not come up for the three day weekend so that you can hang out with her? Send him a personal, anonymous message without ever becoming friends with him, and do it via Facebook.
3. Nobody is depressed anymore. This is just a hypothesis, but I bet that the suicide rate has decreased considerably since Facebook came about. When your feeling down, just look at the 900 friends that said yes to your requests, and realize that you are a popular person (sure, you actually requested 1800 friends, but half is good, right?). Or if your feeling really down write a nice compliment on a hot girl's wall and then wait for a polite comment response to the post and convince yourself that she responded to the post because she cares about you. It's still kind of hard not to be depressed though when your close and extended family make up half of your Facebook friends.
4. Appear like you are doing good things. When you have family members on Facebook (ranging from brother to grandmother) you can write your statuses in a way that will impress them, and your real friends know what you really did that day. (i.e. Thomas Sanderson had a great time talking his amazing girlfriend Jenna Lee Abbot* last night) your mother see's that and can know that you and Jenna are waiting for marriage and obeying the law of chastity, also she sees that you aren't doing anything but just conversing with the girl you love. When really you were talking to her on the phone and she was trying to break up with you because for the third night in a row you got hammered, but you used your charm to keep the love alive, then, using Facebook, you charmed the girl a little more.
*Tagged: Jenna Lee Abbot
5. Your friends can help you come out of the closet you didn't even know you were in. With an addiction like Facebook, even when you are with friends you cant help but get on. So, using their laptop you check your notifications, say yes to fifteen friend requests and then look at that hot girl in your math class's pictures. Then you close their laptop (with your Facebook still open) and go hang out. Before you know it you will be seeing ads on the side of your screen exclaiming that there is a great place online to meet gay men near you. It will take you a few weeks before you realize that your friend changed your "interested in" to Men.
I just want to spend my last few words thanking Mark Zuckerberg for is great contributions to the world, I want Mark to know that he's the reason that I will never get a paper written until the night before its due.
*Tagged: Nobody important
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